Last year in November I was finally diagnosed with seasonal
depression. I say finally because it wasn't something that I talked about to anyone up until November 2008. I was fed up with dealing with this problem alone, and I wanted to talk to a doctor. I can't really recall when it started, but I would say maybe around 2002 and I was 13. I'm not sure if it was really that early, but I remember feeling similar feelings then that I feel now. However, I don't think they were as severe. For the past 4 years or so, the "
depression" has occured around the same time, which is around fall/winter time. But I have had years where the "
depression" I felt, I experienced it in the summer and late spring.
So in all, I don't know if its just
depression. I mean, right now I do kinda feel down. But I am taking some pills that somewhat help with my mood. They aren't the same ones my doctor prescribed though, my mom didn't want me on anything that had the side affects, she wanted something natural. So Im on these Sam E things that we bought from vitiman world.
My question really is, what else could it be? It's been like a rollercoaster these past 7 months or so. With this problem, I don't want to go out, at all. Which I know is one of the many common symptoms of
depression. However there were times in December, which is usually the month I'm down going by previous year patterns, I wanted to go out with my cousins and socialize with friends etc. And because of that, I thought it had something to do with the pills I was taking. Its somewhat hard to explain, I can be up, loving life, everything is just great, and then I somewhat sense that I am about to go down again. And I do. Just last week I sensed I was about to go back under. I was off the pills about 2 weeks ago because I felt I didn't need them, but last week I started taking them again hoping to prevent going back under. Well, they didn't work as I am in the same mood I've been in for all the different times I've dealt with this throughout these past months and years.
I think there is more though. I'm usually a very confident, some would say cocky guy. I'm 19 and when I'm up, there is pretty much no stopping me. I'm active, I'm outgoing, I'm funny. And I like who I am. But even when I'm up, I still tremble. Shaking, I'm shaking like all the time. I can manage it better when I'm up and not feeling depressed. But even then, Im still trembling. When I'm down like I feel now, it's worse. I feel emberassed, I feel nervous, and tense. And like the whole world is judging me. I don't feel worthless anymore, though I have when I was down before. But I do find myself asking why continue to live if you're gonna always go back under and be down. I'm really worried because this affects my whole life. Many would probably say I look scared or nervous because of my constant trembling. And while at times I'm neither scared or nervous, it is true sometimes.
I have what I think are tension
headache's like everyday when I am in my depressed phase. I find it hard to concentrate, can't get any good sleep as I'm just to worried or nervous about the next day or what happend the current day. Take me to school, the mall, anywhere where there are a lot of people around, I'm sure I'd stand out in a negative way, and I hate that. I feel pretty much hopeless. And I hate being in public when I feel like this.
This was not easy to do at all. I know my identity is safe, but still it's hard because I feel like I wasnt clear enough or this will be too hard to understand and too much. I hope I was clear, and though I know I have symptoms of
depression, I'm really asking what the constant trembling, feeling nervous and tense, is? I mean my whole body shakes, and I look like a freak. Sweaty palms, shaky voice, lump in my throat, I have that all. My heart pounds a lot too, if you stand and stare at me, you could see it pounding through my shirt.
I don't know if there is such a medical diagnoses for my particular problem other than the
depression. But its the
depression, and the shaking that has me now asking what is up? Any help and insight I really appreciate it and really need. Thanks for reading, and I hope someone can help me. Any questions about a specific part that I may not have been clear on, please highlight and ask. I'll answer. And again, thanks.
