I am happy to see you are investigating the cause of your problems. Suicidal thoughts are nothing to take lightly and it is important that you get the right diagnosis and treatment. I am not a psychiatrist but I do know that bipolar disorder is frequently missed as a diagnosis and one study suggested that there is an average of 11 years before the correct diagnosis is made. This is because it is complex and can mimic other conditions - even "normal" ups and downs, especially in adolescence. There is one form of bipolar disorder, called Bipolar Type II that is a little different than the more classic Bipolar Type I. It is also easier to miss without a qualified mental health professional and complete workup. Major depression is the most frequently diagnosed condition so it is not surprising that you were prescribed antidepressants, which are often an important part of the treatment even in bipolar, but if you truly have bipolar disorder, you will need something to help stabilize your moods. The good news is that there are effective treatments. It is also possible that it is something different than this altogether but you need to get to the bottom of the problem for sure.
You said they won't let you see a psychiatrist. What type of mental health coverage do you have? Perhaps you could start with another mental health professional such as a licensed clinical therapist. I would check with your insurance customer service (there may be a number on your membership card) to find out how to get mental health care. There may be some hoops you need to jump through first - perhaps it must come from a referral from your primary care physician - but you should be able to get some help. Be completely honest and open with your doctor about the thoughts you have had. If he or she does not seem to listen to you, perhaps you can change your primary care physician. Most insurance companies let you do this. Many communities also have mental health clinics and this might be a place to begin. Does your college offer any services such as this? You may need to be very persistent to get the care you need and deserve. You may also get some information from http://www.nami.org
(the National Alliance for Mental Illness in the USA). Please let us know how this goes and good luck.
The answers in online forums are for information only and are not intended to substitute for medical advice and care. Please see your personal health care provider for further evaluation of your individual case.
Debbie Miller, RN