Well, Here I am.. Askiing for advice, help, and maybe even some wisdom about why I am doing what I am d oing.
When I was younger, I was raped repetedly by 2 men. These men were people I trusted, loved, and cared for. I remmember being held down, penetrated, smacked, and threatened to never tell anyone. Right now, I am suffering with severe flashbacks, and am making a lot of bad decisions. People keep saying that its an attempt to "normalize" what happened to me.. But I feel it is just the self hatred I have tyowards myself. . . . Ever sense I was raped, I have been actively envolved in bondage porn, cyber sex, and phone sex. When that got old, I found a group of guys that could actually perform bondage techniques on me. They electicute me, poor wax on me, cut me, hang me, and do all other types of things that are associated with humiliation, pain, and sexuality. But, the only reason I go is the hope that someday, when I go, these guys will go overboard and kill me. I have been hospitalized several times, and am tired of not being successful. Suicidal idiation has been at its max lately, and cutting has been an everyday thing. My parents don't know about the cutting, so when I cut so deep that I should have stiches, I just cover it up, use butterflys, and just try and stop bleeding. I am at a lost, and I feel as if my life is not worth living. I am seriously the biggest piece of trash that has ever walked this planet, and that is evident by how people treat me. Why... Why am I such a target, and when, if ever, will I be able to live a happy life?