Hi
I'm a young female in her twenties, who has never been in a formal relationship. I first recognized the problem a few days ago when reading an article on romantic obsessive compulsive behavior.
This problem began 3 years ago when I fell "madly in love" with a total stranger who is an older senior of high social standing in the college community when he was giving a public lecture to hundreds of people. I strongly felt that he was staring intensely into my eyes throughout the 2 hour talk and that it was a silent way of communicating the profound romantic attraction he felt towards me. He left the stage to occupy the front row seat where he subsequently kept turning back to look in the general direction of where I was sitting, after which he came over to sit a few rows behind me. On my way out of the hall, I felt that he was following me with his gaze. He subsequently left the hall and crossed my path, and said a brief hi to me. I started becoming convinced that he was secretly very smitten, but was prevented from expressing his deep inner emotions due to shyness. During the cocktail, he was busy interacting with his wide social circle and I did not manage to catch a glimpse of him thereafter for about 2 years. Having no contact during that period helped ameliorate the delusion, and my love objects transferred to a series of people whom I had no meaningful contact with at all.
I ran into the same senior again 2 years later at a workplace. Being a small environment, I saw him everyday and every seemingly innocuous motion of his seemed brimming with romantic meaning. I felt his eyes on me the moment I entered the same space where he was, his gaze following wherever I went, and that wherever I went he would follow shortly after. Several times he would stop in the middle of his tracks while talking to someone else and turn to face me. Not a word was ever exchanged, though I believed he was always turning up right in front of or beside me. I connected the dots of all these little motions and felt it all made sense that he was truly in love with me too. I was convinced for the first time in my life that he was the one, the perfect emotional and spiritual partner meant for me. Without witnessing his actual behavior, I found him to have all the ideal qualities I have been searching for so many years. This created an
anxiety in me and my delusions reached a
feverish pitch. I was utterly unable to function, concentrate or do anything. I lost sleep and appetite for weeks on end. Every second of my day was filled with thoughts of anticipating his appearance when he was not around, or emotional inebriation when he was around till the point I was unable to respond to other people. I felt by his very presence, he was constantly trying to communicate his love to me through small secret gestures, and that he was unable to do so in the form of actual words or actions. None of my co-workers noticed anything remotely like what I felt. I believed that my intense romantic obsession with this man was reciprocated in kind, if not more. After being in the same environment for 2 weeks, he was transferred to another office and it was no longer possible to physically see him. In his absence, I began to fantasize about his emotional longing and the intensity of my faith did not diminish.
The article above made me discover a lot of hidden concerns. I realized that his bold, intense prolonged stares at me which continued even after I found out was rather inconsistent with my excuses for him not having said a single word to me because he was too shy. Against common sense, I persisted in my belief that he is as intensely drawn to me as I to him. Moreover, I realized that he was a very attractive man with an abundance of female friends; thus it was not possible for him to be in love with me when he does not do anything to show it. I struggled within myself to resolve my emotional beliefs with my logic, but fail to do so, resulting in further despair and distress and I would cry. 6 months on, I continue to check my email and online social account several times a day, awaiting any of his attempts to establish contact with me.
All through the years, at no point in time did I pass without believing someone was secretly attracted to me, just that I have never responded so intensely to anyone before. These usually include people I regularly see at my school or workplace that I have no meaningful interactions with. It just happens and I feel strong emotions of which I have no control over. I’ve had boys around my age or slightly older who were attracted to me, but I’d abort it every time by totally cutting them off, refusing to believe that they could truly feel affection for me. Deep inside, I have nagging doubts about whether it is possible for any man to truly love me. I grew up having problems feeling loved by my father who was either absent or emotionally unavailable to the family and since young (8 years old), I have
anxiety problems regarding older attractive men (at least 5-20 years older). This has resulted in a background
anxiety level which I felt all along in most social situations, though I have been actively suppressing it or keeping it private. However, all these years I have been able to function normally and it is only now that I find my situation with this senior particularly frustrating, robbing me of my lifestyle as I could do nothing else but think of him.
I'm really worried if this is a medical problem or is it just an unusually strong instance of romantic attraction?
