i tend to do the oposite

[pollsecond]

I am a college student.For the last 3 years i have strugglled with some issues.Everythings seems to go bad.I can not focus when i want to,instead of focusing when haviong to read a book,watch tv,speak with someone i do the oposite.I feel i will do the oposite and this is what worries me,i can n ot stop doing the oposite.Instead of focusing as i used to,when i must focus and i am very stressed i don't focus or atleast i feel i don't focus because i don't know exactly what means not focus and to focus.I always thought that if i focus for example on reading i will be drawn to action and and think only about it, i would not see anything around me.When i feel stressed and try to read i know i will not focus,and when i start reading i realise i am not following the action,i am not at all how i should have been if i was focusing.I just do the oposite.It comes in my mind some voices:"Why should i focus?Why shouldn't i focus?What if can not focus anymore?What if i will not focus?
I wonder why everything should be good and nice.I have this thoughts wich are against me(Why should i feel good?,feel bad) i can not get rid of them,i also feel guilty and i don't know for sure why but i do feel guilty.
I have been to a psychiatrist and he prescribed me Abilify.I started taking it will see but i am not to optimistic.I can not stop saying in my mind-why should i focus?why should i feel ok?i will feel bad,i won't focus etc..it really stresses me.I also feel depressed,how shouldn't i be if i am stuck with this thoughts.I would have prefered to have a rare disease instead of this issue.Whenever i have to do a mental task in front of other people i just know will not focus,or have trouble focusing and i streally stress out,stress kills me,i can not even eat.Guilt is killing me.I feel it is my fault for being like this.Usually i would feel at little bit like i have felt for this 4 years when i would have a fight with my father and he would scream at me,offend me,say to me i am worthless i don't have courage etc..Then i would feel bad,i would feel guilty for not doing whta my father wanted and i would start feeling like everything is against me,all people seem to critisise me,but it was temporary.So that is why i feel guilty now,because symptoms resseamble those when i was younger so i think maybe it is my fault.Anyway how do you think i should stop doing the oposite,doing what annoys me like not focusing.and stop feeling guilty?

[Faye Lang, RN, MSW]

Hello, Pollsecond,

You are certainly having a very bad time with your symptoms, and there is help available. It's good that you have seen a psychiatrist, but you really need to see a mental health professional on a regular basis and to establish a more exact diagnosis. Your symptoms could be related to several diagnoses, so it's important to determine which one it is so that your treatment is specifically tailored to your needs. If costs are an issue, a community mental health service would be appropriate for you. I urge you to make an appointment as soon as you can.
Good luck to you.

Faye, RN, MSW