I feel very defective

[wrxn240sx]

I feel I am no longer connected to myself. "I" (my person), is severely lacking in having a consciousness. I'd say 80% of my funtions are now controlled unconsciously. My movements, my speech, my actions, my thoughts....all are performed unconsciously. I don't even feel real unless I sit alone and zone off into deep thought as I am now. I have to do this just to be able to think for myself, and even then, I can't really bring anything 100% to my conscious. My conscious seems distorted and distant. What controls me, are impulses and compulsions. I am 19 now, and have been like this for while expcept before about a year ago I'd say I was dissociated from my consciousness about 20% instead of the now 80%. I am no longer in control of myself. I just sit back for the ride now and watch myself do absolutely nothing all day.

I came from very loving parents. I find it strange that I cant remember much before 7th grade. I remember picture frames of different events. Most of them just being times of extreme anxiety or moments of achievement. I VERY few memories of before 2nd grade. Faint, images of locations, but not interactions.

I feel defective. When I hit 15, I started exploring some weird sexual fetishes. I couldn't control my impulses to steal. I would steal from stores and friends houses (not my friends stuff though). I had strong sexual arousals which would make me think and do crazy things. I would have to masterbate just to get the crazy ideas out of my head. Sometimes I would act on the ideas, and it would feel good. Then I would feel guilty after masterbating.

I feel there is no diagnosis for me and I am just defective. I don't want to go on. I don't want to bring this up to my parents or anyone for that matter. I would feel guilty having anyone even try to figure out what's wrong with me.

I think most of this stemmed from my extreme sexual arousal. Doing the crazy things I did, made me feel good sexually. I would always feel guilty though after masterbating. There is no disorder that describes this.

I am doomed

[Dr. E. Seigle]

Hi wrxn240sx,

It sounds like you are feeling very confused and unhappy about yourself. I would encourage you to see some of what you are doing as a way to cope with the feelings of disconnection that you are having from yourself. Sometimes, sexuality can help people to feel alive when they are not feeling so fully. Try to suspend the harsh judgments and evaluations you are making about yourself and join me in being curious. What kind of underlying anxiety, pain or sadness might you be coping with by unconsciously shutting down?

While I can't make any diagnosis over the Internet, it sounds like you could benefit by seeing a recommended and experienced psychiatrist or psychologist in your area. You can seek a referral from your doctor, local hospital, an acquaintance, or the local mental health center.

I have worked with other people with feelings and experiences such as yours, and I have never found that the problem is that they are "defective". Rather, they are coping with some legitimate, painful and difficult feelings, regardless of what their childhood might have been. Remember that everyone has emotional pain and struggles, whether they show it or not, and you are not so very different. Please consider getting some professional mental health help.
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Good luck! -E. Seigle MD