Age 23
Male
Caucasian
Confirmed Diagnoses: Dyslexic, Dyspraxia.
IQ confirm under medical testing at 124
Local Mental health team suggested possible Anti social personality disorder although did not attempt further testing from a one hour consultation.
Recommended therapy suggested: Group only.
No family history of mental dysfunction excluding mild
depression,
anxiety, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (non subsided – great grand farther due to shelling in war). All subsided within short periods of time.
Family history (both familial trees) of: Heart disease,
Strokes, High Blood Pressure, Obesity, Two cases of
Diabetes in one grand parent each familial tree.
First and foremost, I am a habitual liar. This list is going to be honest and thorough with information I think to be of use.
The purpose of this list is to gain insight into way to avoid long term incarceration, through control methods and personal restraint.
Bed wetter until 14
Bullied psychically and mentally from 4-17 throughout schooling
Emotionally absent farther
Youngest sibling of 2
Highly religious mother, now a priest. Supportive although seemed almost afraid.
Raped at 12, 14 and 15 outdoors, twice by the same person in the same area. No use of drugs or blackmail, physical domination only.
Self harming since 14, razors and knives to forearms, legs and genitals.
Compulsive masturbation, minimum four times daily. Started at 9 years. Lost first job due to masturbation during work hours in washroom.
Highly manipulative
From 9-14 engaged in sexual activities with underage neighbours daughter. Had sexual intercourse and other activities with male and female friends throughout teens, sometimes as the dominant or passive partner. Never forced, consensual albeit manipulated.
Little to no interest in intercourse, with either sex.
Very little tolerance for stupidity, random small talk, ego strokers, attention seekers and emotional people.
Fire lighting from 9 years old to current.
Avid knife collector and maker
Little emotional reactions, excluding rage.
Live with partner, parasitic lifestyle.
Gain pleasure through dominating others, emotionally and physically
Nothing as yet has caused me remorse
No one is equal
Obsessive thoughts – expanded further down
Permanent awareness and vigilance to surroundings and alternative routes of access
Anti depressants have no effect
Never sober, I drink every weekend from when I wake up to sleeping. Whilst at work I take between 4-12 doses of Co-Codamol for the codeines numbing effect and general ‘high’ so I do not ruse suspicion of being under the influence during work hours.
Do not smoke cannabis or use any other illegal drugs, the only time I have had any illegal drugs was when a drink was spiked with rohypnol.
I do not, or have ever hurt an animal. Animals mean more to me than the supposed ‘ultimate animal’ At 18 I witnessed a women beat her dog in the street, retribution was swift and although not requiring a hospital visit it is sufficient to say she did not hurt the dog again, she re homed it instead.
Obsessive thoughts – At all times I am thinking how best to dispatch someone. Rather than listen to what is being said I am thinking how, when, with what and picture the scene. This often leads to erections and spontaneous ejaculations, be it at work, home or any other surrounding.
General integration – I have held my current job for 2 years, border lining dismissal for sickness, non have been genuine but employer is not aware of this. Minimum or slightly under amount of work achieved, same with home life.
Previous job I was dismissed for absences, again non genuine.
Project myself into any conversation to give a definitive answer, regardless of actual knowledge gaps – strong ability to convince people.
No friends excluding partner and family, although contact with family is sporadic and when I need help with something.
The issue I currently face is the compulsion to fulfil my deepest fantasy. Every moment of everyday I am looking and watching for an opportunity for a kill. The parameters are limited due to time needed and methods to be used so spontaneous and impulsive acts would be counter productive, however this need is starting to override my ability to hold back. Managers talking down to me, people walking behind me or walking out when I am walking my dogs at night, the wrong look, visible emotional weakness all being enough to excite me almost to loosing control. I have found myself creating situations to create a violent outcome, walking out in front of cars to anger the drive into road rage. Taunting someone in the street or calculated comments to infuriate someone in conversation.
This impulse is driving me to make irrational decisions that will lead to me being locked away. I have avoided and controlled myself even if a perfect situation presents itself because even if I know I can get away with it I do not carry my lusts out just in case. It is the not the individual that bothers me, but my own fate.
The recommendation to attend group therapy is void, I do not involve myself with groups of people and certainly will not loose any opportunities by telling a group of ideal targets that I am salivating at the thought of their demise. The anonymous nature of the internet allows me a chance to gain the knowledge I need, not a face to face. When I have been seated with a therapist or councillor I lie because I want to find their week spots, what frightens them and what I can use – this is not something I have control over.
Finally, this is not an attempt at attention seeking, shocking people or to test the gathered knowledge of the people using this site. Individual’s perceptions do not matter to me in this sense, if I wanted attention I could quite easily gain it.
