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Forum Name: Obstetrics

Question: Baby or not?


 kandy - Fri Aug 17, 2007 11:41 am

ive been married for 3 years and for the first year, I was on birth control pills. For the past 2 years, we've been using the withdrawal method. Though we're both not completely ready to have children, I'm still curious if we CAN have children.

1) Should we have gotten pregnant by now since this method is so ineffective?

2) Are there any tests I can do to know that I in fact CAN have children the day I'm ready to conceive?

3) This question is more general than medical. My husband and I can financially support a child. But what's stopping us is the fear of first having a "bad/uncontrollable..." child, and second, of not being 24/7 emotionally/mentally available. My husband says that "we just need to do it and hope to be the best we can be, because if we kept thinking about the negative, and if the rest of the world thought the same, nobody would have any children!" So my question is: Do most people have kids after having clearly thought it thru, or do they just "do it"? Because I'm affraid i'll never be ready to conceive..

Thank you
 Jaime - Fri Aug 17, 2007 8:11 pm

I can't help you with your other two questions...But I can offer my advice for your last one...

3) This question is more general than medical. My husband and I can financially support a child. But what's stopping us is the fear of first having a "bad/uncontrollable..." child, and second, of not being 24/7 emotionally/mentally available.Well. First of all, there are no guarantees in children. There are kids from upper class, well to do, very well educated, etc etc families who fall into the wrong crowds, and end up screwing up their lives, and there are kids who do just the opposite. No matter how much you put it off, that simple fact will never change. The only thing you can do, is do your best. Treat your child like you would want to be treated in their place, try to anticipate possible issues/problems by putting yourself in his/her place, etc. The end result may not be perfect, but as human beings, nothing we do is. All we can do is try our best, cross our fingers, and hope. Also, keep in mind that although in the end, a lot comes down to the child, the way you raise him/her does make a huge impact on his/her behavior, personality, etc. Many psychologists agree that behaviors and personality quirks are learned from people with whom children interact with. So if your child is doing something wrong, keep in mind that sometimes it may require you to look at yourself and ask whether or not you are setting the best possible example. And this is coming from an only child who spent a decent amount of time alone... Your kid/s will not expect you to be there for them 24/7. In fact, they probably won't want you there for them 24/7, especially when they get older. However, what is important is that you are always within reach, and that you are around when they need you. Working is something that we all have to do, and juggling family, work, and friends can be difficult at times...but we really don't have any other alternatives, do we?

So my question is: Do most people have kids after having clearly thought it thru, or do they just "do it"? Because I'm affraid I'll never be ready to conceive..
From what I understand, it is a combination. Some people, generally those who like to have everything "under their control" hesitate to bring children into their lives because they represent a possibly unpredictable factor in their set-in-stone lives. The only thing I can say is that if you want to have kids, then you shouldn't delay. My parents wanted a second child, but by the time they got around to trying, my mother was 40, my father 50, and they had to resort to in vitro fertilization. And after two attempts, and thousands of dollars spent, it looks like my mother miscarried (on the second attempt. The first one did not even implant.) My point being, don't wait around forever. Before you know it, it might be too late. Obviously, make sure you are reading for a child... Meaning that you need to be able to afford not just food, but clothes and diapers and perhaps some kind of nanny to help you out. And you will want to be living in a location suitable for kids as well... But once you have that done, all you can really do is close your eyes and take the plunge.

Hope I helped..
 Debbie Miller, RN - Mon Aug 20, 2007 5:15 pm

User avatar I do not know of any way to determine if you are actually physically capable of having a child unless you were to do fertility testing and I would not invest that kind of money, time and stress if I hadn't yet actively tried naturally (i.e. using no birth control and having regular intercourse).

Sometimes we over-analyze things and my experience is that we never can accurately predict how we will handle something before we actually are there. We often surprise ourselves and see we have strengths we never would have thought we had when faced with challenges. If you think you would like to be parents, trust your instinct and your ability to adapt to the necessary changes and personality interactions that will take place. Parenthood can be difficult, but amazingly rewarding. There are aspects of it that nobody could have ever told you about (both positive and negative I'm sure). But I personally would not have missed it for the world.

Good luck.

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