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- Thu Dec 31, 2009 11:55 pm
Hi. Well I'm 17 and I've been sexually active once, with a past boyfriend. Before that I've just messed around with one other guy, doing everything but actual intercourse. Both of them are out of the picture, and so is me having actual intercourse until marriage. My boyfriend currently and I don't have sexual intercourse but we have engaged in just about everything else. But during any of those experiences I've had..I've never had an orgasm.
The guy I'm with currently, we've tried all sorts of different things. We've talked about it and have ruled out the whole "what feels good, what doesn't" to eliminate the factor of it just being that it's not the correct area to trigger a climax. And I've been to my gynecologist to ask questions about this subject. And she asked questions too. I haven't masturbated before recently, not for any specific reason. But she basically told me to try it and that that was my problem. And when I tried to ask her about anything else that could be helpful or that could be a problem she just blew me off and said that she had figured it out.
We've also realized that if we put too much stress in this, that it will never happen. So my boyfriend and I have been just enjoying the "journey" and not focusing on the "destination." Also, it's come up that I might have a mental block. But I've always been open to anything as far as with him is concerned. We have a healthy, loving relationship. And I'm very attracted to him. Things will get heated and be enjoyable...but nothing happens?
Like I said, we're not putting stress on it. Or he isn't anyway. But I'm honestly worried. I don't know what could be wrong? And I'm worried that it could make things not so swell as far as it being an issue someday in the future. Any help? Please? I'm getting desperate.
| Debbie Miller, RN
- Thu Feb 04, 2010 8:05 pm
Try not to worry too much about this. Most likely you are perfectly normal. While most men can climax without any real effort and do so most of the time, women just aren't made that way. The media has done us a disservice in implying that all women climax easily and regularly.
Research has indicated that most younger women do not manage to climax until some considerable time after they have started sexual activity and in a variety of ways. The most common age for a first orgasm was found to be age 18 but perhaps as late as age 40. In a survey conducted for the book The Big 'O', it is reported that:
* 47 per cent climaxed for the first time through masturbation
* 32 per cent through sexual intercourse
* 20 per cent through petting
* 1 per cent while sleeping.
I think patience is the most important advice I can give you here. Be assured that how sex is for you now is definitely NOT indicative of your future sex life, though many women do find it more difficult to have an orgasm. They often learn through trial and error what works best for them. Try to see this as something you can enjoy in the "journey" but still have something to look forward to in the future. Not worrying about it excessively definitely is a good plan.
The reason the media is a problem is because it makes women feel that something is "wrong" when indeed it is normal. It just wouldn't sell if sex were more "comfortable" without the sparks. I suspect in time you will have a more satisfying sex life as you become secure in a committed relationship and you learn together what works for you, along with increasing maturity.