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- Thu Oct 29, 2009 9:41 pm
I am 29 years old male.
I am not sure where to start and that is part of the problem. My delusional world is starting to clash with reality and it is leaving me in a state of constantly thinking about death, feeling perpetually trapped and fantasizing about suicide but then at the same time “knowing I would never do it”
I have had sex with around 25 girls in my life and I never wore a condom. A few of them anal. I have actively worked out throughout my life. Between the age of 15 – 28 I drank alcohol assively on the weekends and some weekdays. As an example, I used to go to raves when I was 17 buy huge bottles of ephedrine, pour them into a cooler of everclear which is pure grain alcohol and drink it until it was finished. Beyond exsevly. I smoked weed for years then quit., I took shrooms around 50 times, cocaine every weekend for a few years and I have gone summers where I did not sleep from Friday till Monday pushing my body to the brink of destruction. At 24 I started taking MDMA. When I discovered this I took it non stop every weekend for a couple of years straight. This was usually on top of cocaine, tons of hard ketamine, GHB on many occasions . This was always on top of the drinking I was able to get good jobs with my IT skillset but I never held them down. Finnaly after my second DWI I discovered adderal and at first I took it for fun then I saw how I was on it and I got prescribed it. I then read a great book called “ the easy way to quit drinking” and did just that.
A few years back I started taking proecia for hair loss and using roggain with it. A year ago I got prescribed 60mg daily of adderal XR.
Now this all may sound unreal but it is true. On top of all this I have never had a blood test and I get the adderal from one DR and the propecia from another. They have no idea about my history. Nobody really knows besides my sister, and she only knows half of it. I am freaked out of my mind to the point were I cant move when I think about going to the doctor for a blood test and waiting for the results. I always thought that the urination thing would go away over time but it got worse and worse. I often get sharp chest pains and I take pre work out supplements before the gym with upwards of 500mg of cafffeen.
I quit drinking a year ago and smoking and drugs (minus adderal, caffeine, propecia, Rogaine)
The thought of being bald makes me rather die then stop taking this *****, the thought of getting off adderal and going back to my old messy disorganized self makes me want to hide, the thought of finding out whats wrong with me an dealing with it , well.. it is impossible and writing this is the most I ever even admitted to myself. I constantly look for signs from people to justify how I feel. If someone says to me “you have nice skin” I automatically take that in and feel good for a few weeks by saying to myself “Well I can’t have nice skin and be dying of some disease”
But the fact remains that I have to pee more and more like 20 times a day and all I keep thinking is that my kidneys are done and so am i. If that is the case I think id rather just die then know and suffer the rest of my life. I will go and die in the woods before I let my family suffer with me. They sufferd enough just dealing with my ***** over the years. Oh and like 6 years ago this one girl told me that I gave her something but I thought she was lining and I never got it checked. I just pushed it away in my brain.
If you can help , I will owe you my life. If you can’t at least you heard a story that you probably never heard before.
| Dr.M.jagesh kamath
- Mon Nov 02, 2009 9:37 pm
Hello,You have done well to come out of woods,and got many problems like alcohol just by reading a book.All tells me you are a guy with guts.Why worry about alopecia?There are many good treatments available including transplants.And about unprotected sex,though I do not advocate it. Not everybody who has had it develop disease.Do change over to protected sex.You can get your blood tests done where pre and post counselling are available.You will feel absolutely confident once you are through with the tests to face life.The past is indeed a delusion and look forward to a new bright day.Cheers.