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- Tue Dec 20, 2005 7:49 am
Hi, two days ago I had a severe panic attack. Nobody knows about it though except my girlfriend and she thinks I'm just not sleeping properly, which I'm not.
I was in a taxi and the two guys infront were talking with the radio blurring. I was feeling nervous for no apparent reason and then I started to pick up fragments of the conversation. I heard the words..stupid tourist....wasteland....metal bar....acid for the bones and I was freaking out. I was watching the street signs and none of them looked familiar. I thought about jumping out of the taxi but I couldn't move. Then we arrived at my destination and they charged me a fair price. The rest of the night I was shaking, not from the experience in the taxi though. I don't know what it was but I kept feeling that death was coming for me.
I realized that this was not normal but I couldn't bring myself to go to a hospital, so I eventually fell asleep....6 hours later. The next day I checked out some stuff on the internet..I was still feeling paranoid....I wanted to lock myself in my apartment and stay there until someone came to help. I waited until nightfall and went with my mate (the security guard) to the place where I work, to use the net. I was looking at the symptoms of schizophrenia and I have them all.
It suddenly dawned on me why I am the way I am. Always thinking that I have some great destiny to fulfill, always moving from one place to another, never keeping in touch with people, never knowing what I want, changing my mind every 5 minutes, changing my hobbies every few weeks, never going out anywhere, panicking around people, my lack of emotions, my monotonous tone of voice, going awol, leaving my girlfriend, not having any normal goals in life.
Over the last few months the voices have started too. Nothing serious, just hearing people talking to me when they arent. Always asking people "What?", only to be met with a puzzled look. And then there's the few times when I could have sworn I saw someone, but was told there was nobody. I've also had "signs from god", I knew they werent real, I don't even believe in god but they made me panic all the same. These hallucinations are very mild mind you, but I know if I don't get help that they will get worse.
The feeling that everyone is always watching me, judging me and talking about me is something I've been dealing with since god knows when. I thought it was normal up until yesterday. I'm not crazy or anything and I know this all seems like me seeking attention but I think I've been lucky enough to spot what's happening to me. I just don't know what to do about it.
I can't speak to a doctor, I couldn't do it in England so I'll never manage it here in Mexico. Mental problems are considered a by product of a weak mind but believe me I've had to have a strong mind just to hide all this from myself and everyone else over the years.
I feel as though I'm slipping into a world of my own and that one day soon I will be too far gone to even realize it.
- Wed Dec 21, 2005 6:44 pm
It is unclear what your symptoms add up to. I do suggest trying to find a doctor you are comfortable with. What is the reason you say you "can't" talk to a doctor? If it is a language barrier, then I suggest looking for an english speaking doctor- I am certain there are some in Mexico.
panic attacks are not necessarily common with schizophrenia. Also, have you experienced any particularly traumatic event recently? If these symptoms have been present for a long time, it may even be a traumatic event from earlier on in life.
Also, how old are you? Do you take any substances?
It can be very difficult to determine what is an actual hallucination or delusion. Thinking that you see somebody out of the corner of your eye is not necessarily a delusion, nor is thinking that you heard someone say something a necessary hallucination.
Again, it would be impossible to determine what is going on for you over the internet. I strongly suggest finding a psychologist. I wish you the best of luck and really hope that you can find some relief.