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- Tue Jul 24, 2007 7:46 pm
Hi, sorry to bother you all. I am a 19 year old female and have been treated for self harm once before when I was 14 with counselling until I left home at 15. My mother has recieved psychiatric treatment for as long as I remember but I don't know what for exactly and we aren't close.
I used to self harm mainly by cutting at least two or three times a day for two years between 13 and 15. I stopped and my cutting is nowhere near as bad and now rare but I do other things too. I go through 'phases' almost of self destruction where I will decide to fast for a few days or really restrict my food intake, or I will eat loads and then make myself sick. I don't do this regularly and it intertwines with other things. I also go through phases of abusing paracetamol and ibuprofen. I know people say it's bad for you to sef harm but when I do I feel happy and excited. I don't know why. As I have gotten older my SI seems to have evolved. I find it really really hard to make decisions so end up acting on impulses which arent always good ideas like dropping out of a great uni, running away from home, drinking too much etc etc.
Most of the time I don't feel 'real' as such, I feel almost separated from the world but sometimes I get really really, well, ecstatic is the only way to describe it and thats great at the time but it's always followed by lows when I just feel tired, alone, like there's no point and the lows are getting worse.
I have had a couple of periods of 'respite' from this over the past 6 years or so for a month or two but it always comes back. This sounds ridiculous and pathetic but I also help people too much. For example if someone asks me to write a paper for them I will, even if it means mine doesnt get done, or if a friend asks me for a lift I will give it to them even if it means going miles out of my way, being late for/missing things. Sounds small but it is just getting on top of me, I cannot say no- I don't know why I guess I don't want them to think badly of me.
I am scared to go and see someone and I don't want to waste their time or have them think I am being silly but I am just so sick of feeling like this. I want to feel 'normal', like I may have a proper life instead of feeling half dead and so out of control of everything. I want to see myself happy in the future and I don't, half the time I think it would be better if I had never existed or could just disappear.
Sorry that was so long. I would really appreciate any advice or response.
| Dr. K. Eisele
- Sun Jul 29, 2007 4:23 pm
You have symptoms that sound very much like Borderline Personality Disorder. I don't know if you've ever heard that term before, or if it has been suggested to you that you may have this.
Borderline Personality Disorder is a complicated illness to treat, and very much misunderstood. Sometimes you have to try several psychiatrists before finding one who "understands" you. The treatment for this disorder is medicine to treat symptoms and therapy to help you understand the illness and get better.
Even though you are afraid to go to someone for help, it is absolutely essential for you to do so, and to keep going once you find a professional who can help you.