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Forum Name: Psychiatric Topics

Question: Is this gay behaviour?


 alaistwo - Sun Aug 12, 2007 1:39 pm

I am currently starting a divorce with my husband of 6 years. We have been together for almost 10. I have always had satisfying sexual relationships with men until this marriage. Our sex life is dead and when I pushed the issue that I wanted to have sex, we would fight. So for the last 5 years I have seen a steady decline in our marriage. I wonder if my husband isn't gay. My very first impression of him was that he was gay. He denies any notion of being gay.

I started seeking stimulation online and was drawn to naked women - more so their breasts. I felt myself becoming addicted to seeing them. I don't feel any desire to be with a woman whatsoever but get excited at seeing their breasts. I thought I'd meet a woman for an encounter to explore the idea of being with a woman, but no feelings of desire were there. This obsession with the breasts has made my life hell. I can't seem to talk with my friends and other women like I use to - without thinking about their breasts. I also notice they try and cover up like I see through them. I HATE THIS. I was never like this. I am losing my girlfriends over this. I want my old life back. I want to be in a loving relationship with a man. Someone to make me feel desirable again. But will this cure this obsession I have? I have never been attracted to breasts before my marriage. Just in the last 4 years perhaps. I feel like I'm losing my mind and at times get so depressed because I feel like a freak.

Please - is there something I can do? Is this gay behaviour? I want it to stop but can't turn it off.
 Marceline F, RN - Mon Aug 13, 2007 1:14 am

User avatar Dear alaistwo,
The loss of relationship is a very difficult loss. So much goes into creating a relationship - in your case it seems it was 4 years in the making, two years in fulfillment, and 4 years in decline. You do not mention how old you are. There are some differences in how various age groups handle the creation and the demise of relationship.

In either event, however, I suspect that you went into the relationship and subsequent marriage with certain high hopes and expectations.Then these were not realized. If I may ask, in your seeking intimacy with your husband, is it purely sex you are seeking? Or is it the nurturing intimacy a woman seeks with her chosen mate? Breasts are a symbol of nurturing. Women are usually seen as the embodiment of nurturing. Do you look at these women with a wonder in your heart whether the nurturing you seek with a man may be found instead with a woman? Do you have a sense of failure that somehow you must not be pleasing to your husband which must be why he is not responsive to your needs? Is there a thought that he surely would not be seeking the companionship of another woman (God forbid!), (since it is normal to not accept that one is not "sexy enough" or "pretty enough" or "anything enough" to keep a man interested)? So, wondering if he is gay can be a natural self rebuttal.

You certainly have some complicated issues. You may wish to explore local mental health resources and counselors, and allow them to help you explore these areas, to bring you to some peace.
 Dr. K. Eisele - Mon Aug 13, 2007 11:57 pm

User avatar Dear Alaistwo:

Many women find other women attractive, but that doesn't signal homosexuality. It's similar to finding a vase in a store that is pretty. Since women tend to be somewhat decorative through use of cosmetics, clothing, etc., it is natural to find yourself thinking of another woman is attractive, pretty, etc.

Somehow, though I think what your referring to may be more than that, and that Marceline has brought up a good point. Breasts are a sign of nurturing and this could be a sign that you feel that you feel guilty on some deep level for the loss of this relationship. Perhaps you feel that you were not nurturing enough. On the other hand, like Marceline also pointed out, maybe you feel that he did not take very good care of you. From your post, it seems that maybe you've already explored that possibility and feel that it doesn't quite explain things to your satisfaction.

I have had female patients complain that their husbands do not want to have sex. In rare cases (believe it or not!), it turned out that he was seeing someone else. In most cases, it was due to some sort of marital discord, and not necessarily something that was someone's fault. Sometimes it is finances; money problems can be a big ego buster for many men.

At any rate, since this is bothering you so much, you should see a counselor, at least briefly, to explore the meaning of your experiences.
 alaistwo - Tue Aug 14, 2007 4:09 pm

[You do not mention how old you are.]

I am 43 years old.

[If I may ask, in your seeking intimacy with your husband, is it purely sex you are seeking?]

I wanted a connection with my husband on two levels, emotional and sexual. I have had these combinations in my past relationships and have enjoyed very satisfying combinations. During our many visits to councellors both as a couple and one on one, the therapist felt that my husband could not relate to me in an intimate way emotionally. Even today I see him withholding information from me that he just won't share.

[Or is it the nurturing intimacy a woman seeks with her chosen mate?]

I'm not sure if I've answered the nurturing part in my response above?

[Do you look at these women with a wonder in your heart whether the nurturing you seek with a man may be found instead with a woman?]

I was trying to remember what even started me going down that road of looking at another woman's breasts and I remember my sister pointing out all the bad things that can happen to young girls. She was researching for a paper and was sharing with me what she was seeing on the internet. I became interested in seeing what I never knew existed and from this exploration, I became addicted to seeing bare breasts.

{Do you have a sense of failure that somehow you must not be pleasing to your husband which must be why he is not responsive to your needs?]

I never really put the blame on me. I knew I was desirable for other men in the past and that I had tried anything and everything I could to resolve the situation. My husband did blame me for the bedroom problem in that he said I was too critical of him. When in actual fact all I wanted to do was convey what positions worked for me or didn't. Initially I was sensitive to telling him this as I am fully aware of the male ego, however, I must admit several years later I was not so sensitive and became very direct.

[Is there a thought that he surely would not be seeking the companionship of another woman (God forbid!), (since it is normal to not accept that one is not "sexy enough" or "pretty enough" or "anything enough" to keep a man interested)?}]

Different memory triggers for me in our relationship keep bringing me back to the possibility of him being gay. My first impression of him was that he was gay. During a love making session before we were married he exclaimed that I was "one of the boys" during a doggie style position and in the last four years he has had to use cream on his anus due to irritation.

I know that by saying he's gay would excuse away alot of our problems into one neat little box, What I honestly can't understand is why I have this sudden embarrassing obsession to the point where I cannot have a conversation with a woman who is wearing a low-cut blouse or exposing her breasts in any way. I can't concentrate and avoid eye contact almost the entire time. To add insult to injury, this "revealed" woman starts to figit and tries to cover up and hide her breasts the best way she can. At this point I want the ground to open up and swallow me whole.

If this same person is covered up and not revealing in any way, I am able to chat away with no problems. I miss having conversations that are non-cumbersome.

I had an uncle once that gave me the heebe-jeebies when I was only 10 and this is how I think these women feel when they're "exposed" and talking with me. The eyes are the window to someone's soul and I honestly think mine express a darkness and ugliness I don't want.
 Dr. K. Eisele - Wed Aug 15, 2007 11:15 pm

User avatar Dear Alaistwo:

People are naturally curious about others' bodies. Sometimes the curiosity is harmless, sometimes it is out of place, and sometimes it is meant to intimidate. In your case, it sounds as though this is an innocent thing that has happened. You've now become "addicted"--I would say you've developed a bad habit--of looking in a direction other women feel uncomfortable with.

I think you can will yourself not to look. If you simply choose a spot on the other's face to look at while you talk, it will look like you are involved in the conversation and not "dressing her down." You might look odd to the other person, but at least you won't appear to be gazing upon her breasts.

If you cannot choose a spot on the other's face, then try looking just over her shoulder, but not too far--you would then appear disinterested.

Good luck.
 alaistwo - Thu Aug 16, 2007 9:06 am

thank you "Dr. K. Eisele"

[In your case, it sounds as though this is an innocent thing that has happened. You've now become "addicted"--I would say you've developed a bad habit--of looking in a direction other women feel uncomfortable with.]

Reading this put me at such ease - you have no idea. I was beginning to think I was losing my mind (if not completely already) and to hear a professional give their opinion that its a bad habit - something I can control gives me the hope to work hard on this. I feel like a ton has been lifted off me.

{If you cannot choose a spot on the other's face, then try looking just over her shoulder, but not too far--you would then appear disinterested.}

Oddly enough I started doing this...and now they look behind them because they think I'm seeing something or someone. Its kinda funny. I guess I'm holding my gaze behind them too long. Body language is so descriptive.

I'm thinking that when I begin a new relationship with a man and am felt loved and desired again, I will no longer have this "bad habit" and my life will return to normalicy as I know it. This is my hopeful wish anyways.

Thanks again to both of you.
 Dr. K. Eisele - Sun Aug 19, 2007 6:47 pm

User avatar Dear Alaistwo:

You're welcome.
 leapfrogger - Tue Jan 01, 2008 3:43 am

Another possibilty may be anxiety. I have schizophrenia and tend to have a lot of fears that make anxiety a big issue. During times I have an overwhelming amount of anxiety I have found that I tend to have certain things I get obsessive with. Sometimes those things are of a sexual nature or sometimes quite innocent. Sometimes the obsession is contained within my thoughts but other times it is not contained and crosses into my actions..Example would be I was overly stressed and found myself obsessed with the state of cleanliness of my appartment. Instead of the obsession being contained to my mind it sometimes cant be and I end up spending a great deal of time physically cleaning and scrubbing.. I know for me when the obsessive thoughts are of a sexual nature and not contained to the mind I have a hard time physically not acting.. Whether it is not being able to look elsewhere, keep myself from touching the person or being able to prevent saying things that are innappropriate in nature. Almost like a tic.. it happens before I even realize it was a possibility.
Almost obsessive compulsive in nature but it is not a constant state for me. I was told that the obsessive thoughts and behaviors are a result of the stress and anxiety.
Maybe the minds way of working through issues in a constuctive way, I don't know. Counseling probably would help to defuse some of the tension and stress and help figure this out and find a way to redirect the obsession at the very least.

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