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- Sat Aug 18, 2007 10:02 pm
Hi there, I am 19 Female, I was diagnosed with depression from age 15, No past surgeries, Family history (Really how long have you got?) My mother suffers from Manic Depression/Bi-polar disorder, I am currently taking 20Mg of Fluoxetine (Prozac)
I can't decide I think that is my main problem. I can decide what to wear that is easy... One hat, a choice of two hoodys of which I have to have the hood up; I hate the way everyone stares at me, also for comfort. I don't know If I want to be indoors or outdoors, I cant decide if I want a cigarette or a mint, coffee or powerade ? Food or no food. My mind is like this all day racing and I can no longer handle it.
I have not been diagnosed with OCD but I have bad thoughts, when I get a bad thought I have to act on it and frequently do. I cannot continue to act compulsivley as I will hurt someone. If I hurt someone I will feel tremendous guilt afterwards although at the time I am fueled by anger alone which causes me to act irrationally.
I cannot decide if I want the light on or off sometimes, I cannot decide which song to listen to because sometimes I cannot relate to any music at all which adds to my pain and stress, I have to have the music so loud that It bursts my eardrums. (Not literally but I belive it blocks out my thoughts at times)
I guess the problem is the feeling of need inside me and not knowing what to fill the space with so I try and fill that with 10000 different things, not finding comfort in any of them. If someone asks me how I am, I over analize it and think; 'That is a product of your own fear and guilt which asks me how I am' I cannot lie about anything. I become obsessive over ladies, over my thoughts but I am not obsessed by any one thing apart from the need to forfil the need inside of me. I can display symtoms of OCD for instance the need to rearrange but when I perfect something or think that I will never perfect it I will lose interest. I look at the symptoms of OCD and think that is me sometimes. Then other times I think that is not me. I have a million un-finished tasks and my room is never tidy but when I do tidy I tidy to the extreme, then it has to be tidy and perfect is the only option.
My next question; if this does sound like OCD then how can I get help ? I am a good person who does not want the guilt of doing something bad although I cannot stop myself, something inside me feels the need and I have to fill that need, which is a terrible thing, I should not need as this is selfish...
Please help me, I have been to the doctors and they have pescribed 20mg of fluoxetine daily (Prozac) for depression, as I told them I cannot sleep, I cannot eat, I sweat like nothing you have ever seen, I get so nervous that I am starting to be sick or not be able to breath properly. My heart beat races to the point that I can feel it in my fingertips (I have no phyical ailments to support any of these symptoms I have been tested for various things) Although I know they are thought patterns which is what scares me...It is all in my own head...although knowing this doesn't make it go away. If I feel the doctor does not care I will do something bad. I went back to the doctor when I felt myself getting worse and he made me worse by asking if I felt the need to self harm again, so then I thought ' maybe I do need to cut myself again' I cut myself and this did not help. I felt patronised by him.
I have always had bad thoughts although I used to be in control (most of the time) I had a bad weekend and now I am never free of my thoughts I guess before I was filling my life with things to stop the thoughts although now I cannot gain comfort from anything because MY MIND IS CONSUMING ITSELF IN FEAR, GUILT AND ANGER! Now I think that the world is a horrible place that hates me, lies to me continuously so I fill the need for care and affection with hate and anger because If I can make myself bad then people cannot hurt me. I cannot belive anything anyone says I am paranoid. My mother cannot understand my irratic behaviours the need for a hamburger at 6am drives me out of the house to Macdonalds which is not safe behaviour in this day and age although I NEEDED IT! Which she cannot understand. My own dog makes me feel too guilty to look at him, he has a sad face and I cannot give him what he needs which is horrible. I have no money left and fear I may have to steal to fuel my countless addictions (Powerade,ciggarettes,Lucozade energy tablets, coffee, scratchcards ect)
Thankyou (Thanks due to the guilty feeling I have... Isnt that horrible?) I have read and re-read this 100 times but I know it wont be perfect because I am useless, so what is the point in trying ? Sorry for the length
| Dr. K. Eisele
- Sun Aug 19, 2007 6:43 pm
You mentioned bad thoughts numerous times as well as having to act on the bad thoughts and fear that you will hurt someone in the process.
I have some questions about your symptoms that will help us both figure out this problem.
1. What kind of bad thoughts are you talking about, exactly?
2. Do you really believe that the doctor asking you about self-harm CAUSED you to do just that?
3. Do you have cycles in mood during which your thoughts race about lots of different things--not just ruminating about how bad, ugly, fat, stupid, whatever, you might think?
4. Do you have days on end during which you don't need to sleep?
5. When you find yourself not able to decide, is it because you haven't the energy to even think about it? Or is it because you want it both ways (light on and light off at the same time)?