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- Fri Aug 31, 2007 10:51 am
I'm a 26yr old female. I grew up in Canada with parents that gave us what we needed, however, there was no hugging or loving. Our grades were never good enough and when we fought my brother and I, my father would get fed up and hit both of us (never BEAT us though) even though I never started things. My father always had to be right and we all were lower than him because we'll "never be engineers like him". I always had problems with my younger brother as he always beat me and when I was 23, he came to my room, head banged me and asked me to apologize for, I honnestly don't know what to this day. And then he held a hunting knife to my throat. This was my first and last knife incident with him. I didnt call the cops because I didn't want my parents to be hurt. When I told my father about it, he didn't do anything and my mother continued talking to my brother the next day as if nothing ever happened.
Growing up, there was never a bonding between my mother and I. When I first had my period, all my mother said is "It's in the cabinet under the sink".. And she once told me that my "brother has a bigger heart than me.. That mine is vengeful" How is that, when I never touched my brother? How is that when I never hit my father like he did? How is that when I always went grocery shopping for the family with my own $$ and he never did???? This really hurt me. And when I twice had a "misunderstanding" between me and my best friends, my mother blamed it on me, even though i definitely was not in the wrong.
When i was in High school, I was touched inappropriately by 2 teachers. I told my mother only 5 yrs later because i felt like it would be my fault again, and that she will undermine the incident. And when I told her, her only concern was if i was still a virgin or not (so I could have been done anything to, except for intercourse). When i once told my mother that I think one girl is jealous of me, my mother's response was "why would she be jealous? She's pretty..." I mean, i know im beautiful, but for it to be so easy for my mom to say it about someone else, and for me to never have heard it, was painful. Because I never heard that I was pretty at home, I turned to guys growing up from the age of 18 till I found my husband. I did things that if I had felt safe, wanted, important and beautiful, I wouldn't have done otherwise.
Anyway, I got married to a wonderful man at age 24 and we live in the US. But sometimes, he does something and it bothers me, but when he comes home after work, i have pushed the issue aside, and then he could say one little thing that bothers me and I would explode (adding on the first issue i had put aside). Or I would tell him that his mother bothered me with something she said, and he would say "Oh, she probably didn't mean it", therefore undermining my feelings once more. I know she meant it. His mother is sneaky in trying to get the information that she wants (But I do love her). So i would explode again. Or when a cashier wouldn't talk to me politely, my husband wouldn't say anything to her, telling me that "it will come back at her one day".
I am tired of giving excuses to people who do me wrong. I am tired of not being the one that's right. I am tired of not being defended/tired of feeling walked all over.. I've been thru too much of caring about everyone else's feelings, to the point that I feel my mind is going to explode! It's gotten to the point where I don't trust anybody, and I often feel that people are saying one thing, but they really mean another.
I get mad inside when my husband doesn't clean up after himself. Or when he says he'll do something and takes forever for him to do it. And when I get mad, I feel like alot of it isn't just about the cleaning.
I am not happy on the inside. I feel tired, unmotivated. I don't enjoy sex, and I think it's almost dirty (bcz of my past i think). I feel sometimes unattractive because I sometimes dance sexy in front of my husband to get his attention, or I dress in a sexy way, and it's easy for him not to be turned on. Whereas the guys I've known were turned on with my dancing. I miss the passion I had with other guys even though they were using me. And when we don't have sex for a week or more, I start feeling depressed, and think about how we'll probably even sleep in seperate beds by the age of 50.
What is wrong with me? I want to be happy. I want to smile at my husband and for it to be genuine. I want to have sex and truly want to touch him. I want to be able to have kids without fearing they'll turn out like my brother.
Please help. By the way, if i see a psychiatrist about this, is it covered by medical insurance?
| Dr. K. Eisele
- Mon Sep 03, 2007 4:40 pm
From your post, it does not sound like bipolar disorder to me. It sounds like you have some unresolved psychological issues, and some depression as a result.
I do think you would benefit from seeing a psychiatrist who does psychotherapy. I don't know if your medical insurance will cover this or not, but many plans do cover psychiatric services.