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Forum Name: Psychiatric Topics

Question: Raped/ envolved in bondage porn/ and everday cutter


 akh13 - Tue Jan 01, 2008 11:45 am

Well, Here I am.. Askiing for advice, help, and maybe even some wisdom about why I am doing what I am d oing.
When I was younger, I was raped repetedly by 2 men. These men were people I trusted, loved, and cared for. I remmember being held down, penetrated, smacked, and threatened to never tell anyone. Right now, I am suffering with severe flashbacks, and am making a lot of bad decisions. People keep saying that its an attempt to "normalize" what happened to me.. But I feel it is just the self hatred I have tyowards myself. . . . Ever sense I was raped, I have been actively envolved in bondage porn, cyber sex, and phone sex. When that got old, I found a group of guys that could actually perform bondage techniques on me. They electicute me, poor wax on me, cut me, hang me, and do all other types of things that are associated with humiliation, pain, and sexuality. But, the only reason I go is the hope that someday, when I go, these guys will go overboard and kill me. I have been hospitalized several times, and am tired of not being successful. Suicidal idiation has been at its max lately, and cutting has been an everyday thing. My parents don't know about the cutting, so when I cut so deep that I should have stiches, I just cover it up, use butterflys, and just try and stop bleeding. I am at a lost, and I feel as if my life is not worth living. I am seriously the biggest piece of trash that has ever walked this planet, and that is evident by how people treat me. Why... Why am I such a target, and when, if ever, will I be able to live a happy life?
Amanda
 Debbie Miller, RN - Wed Jan 02, 2008 5:17 pm

User avatar Hello,
First of all, let me say that you are not trash - you are a valuable human being, important to others and worthy of better treatment for sure. I am so sorry for the pain you have suffered at the hands of those you trusted. Your mind is trying to cope the best way it can but there are better ways. Please get help right away. If you need some information and possible referrals you can contact NAMI (nami.org). You need psychiatric help to get past this terrible situation. Please don't hesitate. If you are able to contact a local mental health facility or private therapist, do so today. At least contact Nami to get some help. You should discuss the problem with your parents who can help you with support and concern. Please stay away from those men who continue to hurt you - this will only reinforce the bad feelings you have resulting from the history of rape and torture.

If you want to start with your family doctor, that is fine. Be honest about what is happening to you and the ways you are coping, including how you are hurting yourself and your suicide ideation. If they don't believe you, keep looking until you find someone who will listen. If you have a true, trusted friend, reach out and ask for their help in getting you into treatment. This is not something you can just talk yourself out of - you need professional help. Please follow up or call 911 (or other emergency number) if you feel you may harm yourself.

Good luck.

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