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- Sat Jan 26, 2008 12:24 pm
Please don't let the length deter you from reading and assisting I have tried my hardest to include as little information as possible to help understand the issues I need help with and have editted out a whole lot. I really want help I just don't know how to work through issues preventing me
I am 29 yrs old nearing 30. I was institutionalized from age 11 to 17 yrs old. The diagnosis during those 6 years was childhood schizophrenia and PTSD. At 17 I was released and placed back with my mother just long enough to finish highschool.. I spent a total of 4-6 months with my mother before I moved into an independent living program where I gained access to my own appartment with the understanding I would maintain a job, attend weekly individual and group sessions and keep my apparentment clean.
I was in the program 6 months tops and was removed for failure to maintain a job. I applied for SSI while still age 17 and qualified. From age 11 to 17 I had been on several medications but they always resorted back to one certain medicine... Thorazine.. By the time I was released at age 17 I was on 1000 Mg a day.. by age 19 I was on 1200 mg a day.. I have been on other medications including cloazaril geodon and seroquel and more. I was diagnosised with gender identity disorder in my early 20's and went through the process with the harry benjamin standard of care criteria while I was mostly stable and transitioned from female to male starting at age 23. I have been living as a male since age 22 and still do. I feel fortunate to have been allowed to transiton
I was with ACT team until age 26-27 but left due to serious issues of mistrust. Child protective services was called and showed up when my son was 3 weeks old because I missed an appointment with ACT.. Even though I had called a few days before to let them know the baby had a 2 week well check up at the same time so I wouldnt be able to make it. I did not go back for 3-4 months but finally did when they reassured me it was a miscommunication and would not happen again. 2nd occasion was where i went to an appointment without my son for the very first time since he was born.. He was a year old then.. I walked in without him and the receptionist asked where he was. I felt the tone she asked in was both threatening and intrusive so I did not respond.. Long story short I was rushed by the psychatrist and several caseworkers asking me what I did with him asking me where he was... incinuating I had hurt him. They called police and I heard sirens and I ran out a door into an enclosed playground and tried to jump the fence but fell once i reached the top and ripped both my palms open. The police drove up just in time to see this themself but the caseworker who wasnt outside at the time had ran out and tossed me on the ground after the fact and was screaming to the police to help her cause I was trying to kill myself because I had injured my son. The police called and visited my house and found my son to be safe and told them they had no reason to take me into custody on a detention warrant but the Doctor kept demanding they do. They told her if she wanted me admitted shed have to go swear out a mental health warrant.. I didnt go back for several months after that but they continued to call and eventually I went back when they assured me kep people involved were no longer working there. Ultimately I asked to be transfered to a regular MHMR clinic but was denied several times because I was not considered stable enough but at the same time I could not trust the ACT team enough to benefit from treatment.. I lost custody of my son due to risk of neglect and/or abuse because of suicidal behavior.. I know it is my responsibility to be active in my care but I could not trust the ACT team. More then those 2 evens took place those are just 2 of the oens that affected me most. I hold them partly responsible for the loss of custody of my son.. I was denied any other choice for treatment other then the ACT team and they were not beneficial.
Those are the trust issues involing mental health system.
I have been unmedicated for 3-4 years now and my life ended.. I exist only..
A couple years ago I started having dreams of a man raping a woman... I didnt know if I was the male or the woman in the dream...due to the GID dreams can be confusing sometimes..After a few months I realized I was the male in the dream.. I was abused as a child and also as an adult on 2 occasions and I hate anyone who even looks capable of hurting another person in a sexual way so this bothered me a lot. A few more months later I found those dreams then started being broadcasted into my mind while I was awake.. and eventually they started being broadcasted to people enar by when I was away from home. When that started I stopped leaving home except for when I had no other choice like a medical appointment. I sought counseling about the sexually violent forced thoughts because I was afraid whoever was broadcasting them into my mind would take control over my body and make me act them out on an innocent persn. She adviced me to seek the care of a psychatrist but I was back at square one because my only choice was to go back to the ACT team. So now 2 years later I open my front door and go out it 1 time a month to do groceries and cash check that is it. If I run out of food or something before the next month I do without or I split a single can into several meals when I see I am running low. I moved to the opposite side of the state to get away from everyone that knows me and have not contacted nobody since... not even family.. My symptoms are unbereable now..fear of my body being taken over while I am asleep and made to hurt someone innocent keeps me awake for days at a time.. Voices very loud and then pet birds very loud it is resulting in violent anger outbursts because I am so overstimulated and just cant handle the loud angry screaming from voices and birds. Honestly If I knew I could sucessfully commit suicide without damaging my body more in a failed attempt i would try again... but I am a paraplegic now seizures, heart damage from genetic defect as well of overdoses and kidney damage and liver damage and I do not want to do soemthing that will take away my independence for without it I lose the safety of isolation.. I really don't want to die I just want daily life to not be filled with such violent angry loud voices and breaching of my thoughts being replaced by someone else forcefully broadcatsing theirs..I really want help I just feel like I lack a safe option for getting it.
I am no longer reciving any medical care regularly and not taking the meds I have been being prescribed for years so no medical care unless its emergency medical situation.. I am catheterizing with straws because My fear of psychatrists has spread to medical dr's too.. I know I have failed myself but I feel like the mental health system has failed me too.. 6 years of care as a child for schizophrenia and now at almost 30 years old I am still nowhere near a tollerable state.
Again I am sorry this is so long.
I really want help I just don't know the best way to break out of this just enough to be open to talking to another psychatrist. I know it should be as simple as setting up an appointment and getting to it and going from there but I cant even make it out of the door when I run out of groceries a week before time to go again.. Im scared to death... is there any way out of this at all or am I doomed to the torture until on of my medical illnesses finish me off? I admit I don't believe I will ever come out of this but I still have the desire too and there is still some hope that maybe one day soemthing will happen to allow it.
Suggestion... small steps for improving my state just enough to make it to a doctor would be greatly appreciated..
| Dr. K. Eisele
- Sun Feb 17, 2008 7:31 pm
I can understand your reluctance to re-connect with mental health care providers. It must be extremely frightening. At this time, it sounds like you are more frightened of not getting help. I don't know a lot about SSI and Medicaid, but I think that if you have Medicaid, you can go to any doctor of any specialty, so long as they take Medicaid. I am making the assumption that the "ACT" team is a community mental health service administered by the government.
You also did move to another part of the state, where they don't know you. Should you contact the community mental health services in the new area, they will of course want to get records from where you were before. I know from experience that documentation of events is usually brief--which is frustrating for someone in my position--if it even exists.
At this time in your life, you need to move forward. Just remember, the voices and paranoia will not go away until you do get help. If you don't get help, sooner or later, you'll end up in the emergency room, then hospitalized, and you probably know how that always ends up--you waste a lot of time and you still have to go back to the community mental health providers.
I would call around, find out who takes Medicaid in the community, and then take the first available appointment. Simply jot the date, time, and place on a calendar and try to keep your mind off of it. Maybe you could set up your computer to give you reminder a short while before the appointment, for example, maybe an hour before you are due to be there. That way you won't sit around and agonize over it. Also, arrange for someone to take you there and tell them to be there no matter what you might say to try to get out of it last minute.
Best wishes, and please keep us posted.