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Forum Name: Psychiatric Topics

Question: Jealous or Envious? Fear or Anxiety? How can i solve this?


 name20 - Sun Feb 24, 2008 7:19 am

HI there,

I have been with my girlfriend for 4months, its long distance and i will admit it is hard on both of us but we knew that it would be from the start.

Ever since we have been together i have been a little concerned about her going to a friends house to relax and just hang out. I know him reasonably well and know his a good guy, but they did have a past together and as she has told me the ONLY reason why they broke up was because he worked too much but now his not working too much and a lil worried about her falling for him. After they broke up they did become "###### buddies" so to speak. Which she insists that he is jsut a friend now which thats fair enough. I'm not sure if its just jealously or envy because i'm far away and i can't go around the corner and see my girlfriend which i would love to do.

Also doesn't help that before we were going out some of the stories i heard about him and her which sorta make me get mental imagines. His 21cm long and 15cm around and i'm only around 17cm long and 12cm around... it was a drunk convo and i got too much details.. she says it hurt when they had sex but she still did it anyways but she also said it was great sex.. sorta makes me jealous and cautious.

I also have a bit of past too, my girlfriend is my 2nd relationship, my first was sorta a disaster she cheated on me within a week and we were going out for a month before i knew.. i got revenge and cheated on her before i broke up with her... which she admitted to cheating on me so i said i knew and cheated on her... it isnt exactly the best way to handle things.. but i can't stand people who cheat.. and i guess wanted to give her the same thing she gave me.

I guess i'm very cautious and in some way trying to protect myself from getting hurt again.. it was only a month but it still hurt all the same. But all this is putting some serious strain on our relationship.

Just one more thing, she also is not good at holding her alcohol, after 2 drinks she gets drunk and very horny and promiscuous and before we were going out told me that most of the time she would have slept with a guy and not even remembered until told or at all. What worries me is that if she drinks and we are far distance we might cheat on me and it will just be getting stabbed in the back all over again.

She thinks its ok that if she was drunk and can't remember what does it matter? i have tried to explain to her that its sorta like if she knows she could likely sleep with a guy when shes drunk if she chooses to get drunk then its choosing to take the chance of cheating on me. I really do love her and i don't know how i would react.. she has not been drinking unless its around her girlfriends and at home or there houses but there are going to be times when she will go out to clubs and drink so i am trying to work out if i'm over reacting and being jealous or am i actually in the right?

Sorry its alot of information to take it... i jsut really need to get some guidance i am over living in uncertainty.. the last month has been pretty bad and i'm a pretty cheery bubbly guy, but now all i can see is the bad side of things.. mind you what i have told you is only a micro part of the story.. the rest would go on for such a long time..

Thank you for your time and hope that you can at least give me some guidance and help me to see if i'm a bad boyfriend or am ok.
 Debbie Miller, RN - Mon Feb 25, 2008 9:31 am

User avatar Hello,
I understand your frustration about this long-distance romance. It is very difficult to maintain a relationship this way even between two mutually committed people, much less in a situation like yours where I suspect you are feeling more committed than she is. I agree that if she knows what alcohol does to her and that it puts your relationship in jeopardy she should choose to avoid the alcohol. That is what a committed girlfriend would do. As for "what does it hurt?" if you are sexually active with a promiscuous woman who has indiscriminate sex that she can't remember, you are putting yourself in danger for sexually transmitted infections. Some of these have lifelong effects and cannot actually be cured even with medication. If I were you, as much as you care for her, I would seriously consider breaking it off and looking for someone who shares your ideas on the details of a healthy relationship.

You are not out of line in your expectations but she is for wanting to have it all. As for penis size - comparing you to another man this way is cruel and totally unnecessary as it has been proven to have nothing to do with sexual performance. I see all kinds of red flags. I know you feel you love her but I think in the interest of your health and long-term goals for relationships, you would be wise to look around a bit more. You deserve to find someone who loves you as much as you love her and who wants a monogamous relationship.

Good luck.
 name20 - Tue Feb 26, 2008 2:08 am

Thank you so much for you reply it is really appreciated

She has given up drinking except on the odd occassian when say i'm around or her girlfriends are around and even thats is very rare. So thats not so much an issue just a worry about what if.

I'm not going to give up on her just because of this, i found out last night the reasons why she has been acting the way she is for the last few weeks. And it is hard to believe so much can happen to one person. She has just moved here with her parents and they are still on working visas, not permanent just yet (5 or 6 months). I have known about alot of them but some are fairly new.

I knew her afew months after she got here but she was going through a bad spell, drinking most nights, running off, being permiscious, when i came along we got along great and calmed her down and got her back on her feet and thinking straight. However in the time she had been here she had been raped three times, forced but never said no out of fear multiple times, she went to say no to drugs to a old friend who then spiked her drink with 3 or 5 times the lethal dose of speed which the doctors were amazed she lived that long, spent 4 days in hospital convolsing, the guy who did this after drugging her beat her up, raped her when she was dry and hurt her inside, and got her pregnant.. he hit her stomach and then she had a misscarriage a month or two later.. he is also, from what i have been told, a big muscle guy so his strong. Her parents verbally and physically abuse her, her friends verbally, She can't talk to her parents about any of this and the list goes on... she is at high risk of suicide and i think todays news might push her there... she has been diagnosed with PCOS and she has told me on numerous times that she would if she was faulty down ther, or at least fall back into her old ways.

I am happy to look after her and keep her standing its just who i am, if someone needs help i will help at all costs. I am trying to get her away from her parents and into an enviroment thats much friendlier and safer.. So i gues what i'm trying to ask is.. i know that it is all the stress she has been going through that has been doing this because its only been recently we have had troubles.. IF i find a way to legally get her away from her parents and into a safe friendly environment could she get her feet and become more stable? I have been able to calm her down before long distance but i feel that the events taking place will make it alot harder being so far away.

At the moment she should be at work so she wouldn't be able to reply to my calls, but so far i haven't heard anything from her... needless to say i am passing bricks over this... she does love me i know that, we had a talk about it and she does she is jsut stressed and i do love her.. i just want to make sure she will be ok, and allow her to live her life happy.. I know she will whether we are together or not, but she needs to find her feet and keep them first.

Sorry again for all this information but i just really need the guidance and leaving her is not an option.. not to be mean but i think i'm the only thing keeping her sane at the moment. I just need some ideas, some new ways of thinking, anything, i don't mind just providing i can help her.

Yes she does have depression but due to a new birth control pill she is not allowed on any medication for a month. Her periods are also so bad she needs to be given the injection used for women giving birth, epidefrin i think?

She has promised me that she will get back on the anti depressants as soon as the pill is marked as ok, and then she can play it out until her permanent visa.. she will be an individual then in the country and can do as she pleases without the fear of the parents going home and she will have to follow suit.

Thank you and please get back to me soon
 Debbie Miller, RN - Wed Feb 27, 2008 12:55 pm

User avatar Hello,
You definitely have your hands full. It is nice that you want to help her and be a friend. You can encourage her to seek help and follow through on treatment but ultimately it will be up to her. Only she can change her behavior and there is no way to predict how this will go until she is in the situation of doing it for herself.

Good luck in this. Continue to try to get her to go to a counselor, seek alternative and safe living environment and let her know of your support without being co-dependent and contributing to substance abuse and self-defeating behaviors.

Best wishes for you both.

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