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Forum Name: Psychiatric Topics

Question: Apathy/feeling as if I live in a different world


 kim3kx - Mon Mar 31, 2008 6:27 pm

Hi,

I live in constant indifference, look for reasons to life. Recently noticed that I suffer from periods of 'okay' nothingness to 'bad' nothingness, 'okay' being not constantly wondering about my life's meaning, or being displeased at myself for not finding an answer. 'Bad' being constant thoughts about life and how meaningless it is/i am, always looking for an answer, thoughts of death but not thoughts of killing myself, sometimes think about drinking/smoking and drug use although I am strictly against all three of those.

I also think I may be delusional I seem to be living in a world completely different to everyone else, have different thoughts about the world, sometimes think its all fake or find myself believing things that don't have any logic or make any sense, and seem irrational to others. People often comment on how strange I am, how boring I seem because I stray away from social situations (I have hard time making eye contact or keeping a conversation going without wanting to turn it bad in order to stop the convo.), have no urge to marry or to even have a relationship/sexual relationship,or to have kids.

I also find myself wanting to be a bad person, I'll say anything without thinking (I used to be the complete opposite), on being told I'm horrible I find it a good thing. Cant admit to enjoying something, or having fun. don't' see pleasure as a good thing.

This happened after moving house/school (into a completely new area/lost contact with old friends) about a year ago. I feel too young to be visiting a doctor, perhaps slightly scared.

Thank you for any help you can give me.
 Dr. E. Seigle - Tue Apr 01, 2008 8:27 pm

Dear kim3kx,

It sounds likely that you are experiencing a depressive episode triggered by your move. Your symptoms are quite typical of depression. A bipolar disorder should be ruled-out (i.e., excluded as a condition). Maybe the loss or distancing from your old friends and other relationships has been very difficult and it is hard for you to develop new relationships. It does sound like you may have some anxiety in addition to depression. Are you having any thoughts of suicide that you have thought of acting on, or planned, or can't stop thinking about? If so, this is an emergency. In either case, I urge you to seek treatment; you can consult with a psychiatrist, a psychologist, or another type of psychotherapist such as a social worker. I would recommend that you obtain psychotherapy and consideration for medication; a psychiatrist alone or in league with a psychologist can do these for you. You can get names from your local hospital, community mental health center, doctor, or friends and/or family. If you feel suicidal, please go to your local hospital emergency room. From what you say, you don't sound truly delusional, but this can be assessed as well.

You are brave to discuss this here, and I have little doubt that you will start to feel better after you seek evaluation and treatment. Good luck!

-Eliot Seigle MD
 shannon24 - Tue Apr 01, 2008 10:28 pm

hi kim, I have the same thing since of unreality It started at age 14 as attacks and then stayed with me ever since im now 24 years old and have not gotten any better i never thought i would come across some one with the same thing its very scarey i know, i also know i will never get better from this to,I would love to feel like every one else, my doctor said it depersonalzation disorder i don't know if i spelled that right, but i just wanted to know your not alone.
 kim3kx - Wed Apr 02, 2008 10:13 am

Thank you for the fast reply, Dr. Seigle.

I do have thoughts of suicide and sometimes I feel as if I should act upon them but I've never done anything, its like I don't care enough to try or something (which is obviously a good thing).

I will try to visit the local doctors next week. Again thank you very much for your help much appreciated :)
 kim3kx - Fri Apr 04, 2008 10:58 am

shannon24 wrote:hi kim, I have the same thing since of unreality It started at age 14 as attacks and then stayed with me ever since im now 24 years old and have not gotten any better i never thought i would come across some one with the same thing its very scarey i know, i also know i will never get better from this to,I would love to feel like every one else, my doctor said it depersonalzation disorder i don't know if i spelled that right, but i just wanted to know your not alone.


It is scary and I did wonder if I was alone, its nice to know that I'm not, thank you Shannon.
 cjones - Fri Jun 27, 2008 7:50 am

hi kim

i have the same too - but i got dxed with ADD inattentive rather than bi-polar or depression. it doesn't bother me much (but that's just the apathy of the whole thing anyway).

i find the books that help me are religious books and also Shakespeare and Plato (i LOVE socrates and shakespeare - but particularly his tragedies: Hamlet is my fave and then King Lear/Othello etc. etc.) and Plato's book of Socrates when he was in gaol - just before his poisoning - i've stupidly forgotten what it is called Phaedrus maybe was it that one? ugh! i can't remeber - well i forget an awful lot as well --- that is another symptom i have. TERRIBLE memory. and no ability with the concept of time.

the religious books i love are the Bhagavad Gita (absolutely amazing) and this isn't specifically religious either but Marcus Aurelius - Meditations; and The Imitation of Christ by Thomas a Kempis; and The Upanishads (but you really have to be sure to get a good translation otherwise you can end up with a WHOLE load of goobledygook - extraordinary! Confession of a Sinner by Saint Augustine and Ramakrishna's gospel --- really, really good. and the poetry of RUMI --- just wonderful. just SO wonderful.

these help motivate me --- i also like the book by Patanjali called "how to know God". oh anyway, i could go on and on but it really helped me finding people in these writers who seemed to make SENSE!!! finally, someone who made sense to me.

other things that make sense are art galleries etc. i find Rothko's art pieces - they make sense too --- and so on and so forth. so although we may think we are alone there are others who seem to work and think in a peculiar way too! and it is great to find them! good luck with it.

one thing i try to do - when feeling very depersonalised is to go out and do some volunteer work. more often than not with people living on the street - they, many of them, have a very similar mindset to me, too and were it not for the support of my family i should think that i might also be drifting along the streets in some city, some where....

so i do enjoy doing that too - altho sometimes the pressure of not helping well enough or rather hindering rather than helping - is enough to spiral me into an anxiety/depression on the whole i find it a very useful thing for my mental state.

all the best with it@!

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