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- Tue Apr 01, 2008 9:54 pm
I come begging for some kind of discrete help. Let me begin by saying that as hard as this may be for some of you to read it is a thousand times harder for me to type. I’m a pedophile. I know the image that this word brings to your minds, but let me preface by assuring you that I have never nor plan to ever molest or otherwise sexually assault a child in any way. What I am referring to is my secret desires that have haunted me my entire adult life and have been the subject of much depression and anxiety.
I am an adult male near my 30’s and I feel as though I should relate events in my life to you so that you can better understand me and might be able to discern where my urges stem from in the hopes that something can be done that both maintains my honor and prevents the unlikely occurrence that I dread more than anything: I hurt a child.
I have very vivid memories of certain aspects of my childhood, however I can recall no time in my youth where I was sexually abused. My father and mother divorced when I was barely six months old, but they were, and still are, very loving parents. I recall having a very well-developed sense of myself from an early age and feeling sexual desires and attraction from as early as two years. I do not recall if I understood what I was feeling, though the feelings themselves are prevalent in my memory. I remember beginning to masturbate as early as four, but do not recall what prompted this if it was something I had seen or heard or merely something that I found I enjoyed. I grew up with my nephews who were only younger than me by 2 and 4 years respectively and curiosity getting the better of us boys we experimented with each other during prepubescence and periodically throughout our adolescence and teens. I also recall an instance with a cousin of mine, also male, though I can’t remember how old I was. He is several years older than me though we were both still children at the time. I do not believe these to be homosexual tendencies, however, as I specifically remember not being attracted to them as much as just the curiosity and arousing aspect of someone other than myself touching me. I do recall being very curious of my niece when my nephews and I were ‘at play’ however thankfully they did not want to include her because she might ‘tell on us’. I remember being sexually attracted to popular female children of my age in cartoons and TV shows and would fantasize about them. These include Penny from Inspector Gadget. Vicky from the TV show “Small Wonder”, Punky Brewster, and others.
My problem though, was that the age of the girls that I was attracted to did not grow as I did and so now, in my adulthood I find that I am still attracted to the undeveloped or underdeveloped female more so than I am the normal adult female that I should be attracted to. In fact, it seems that the more curvaceous, voluptuous, or otherwise ‘healthy’ a woman is the less attracted I am, and unlike most of my guy friends a large bust actually turns me off quicker than anything. Understandably I find these feelings and urges distressing and while I do not feel as though I would ever act upon them, I have, on occasion, sought out and viewed child pornography, though after my momentary weakness is over with and my desires temporarily sated I find that I become utterly disgusted with myself and quickly destroy the porn. I have, in recent years turned to a form of graphic child pornography called lolicon. A Japanese manga (comic) form of pornography that puts children and child-like characters in adult situations. This helps stem my desires for a time and I feel is a less harmful medium of expression as no real children were abused or exploited to create the comics, however it is a temporary crutch as I still occasionally, though rarely seek out the real thing. I have found, however that I am appalled by any physical pain caused to children and the type of pornography that appeals to me the most is the child female solo or two children at play. The introduction of an adult figure into the scene still greatly disturbs me and even angers me which gives me some hope that I’m not completely lost.
I have sought help on this before, my problem is image… To have the label of “pedophile” on your head is one of the most degrading, appalling, and damning titles one can possess. It immediately shuts out sympathy from your fellow man and from what I can discern from googling the medical community really avoids the subject from a mental illness point of view making it much harder to get help for those of us whom find these desires within ourselves repulsive. I have read about a clinic in Germany the Charité hospital in Berlin, and they have begun a program for pedophiles that seek help. Here is the article http://www.spiegel.de/international/spi ... 99,00.html in fact I sympathize greatly with the “Ralph P.” that the article speaks of. I am also not a rich man, and my health insurance does not cover mental therapy. I simply cannot afford therapy sessions with a psychiatrist and yet I have not been able to locate a similar ‘free’ clinic that specializes in my “disorder”. My search has led me here where I can post my case and my question for doctors and hope to God that I can be pointed in the direction I need to go in order to get help before I cross the line. I love children. I want children of my own some day, but this fear that I have that I might do something I would regret keeps me from developing any sort of meaningful relationship with anyone. Keeps me from even trying to live a normal life. If I ever hurt a child because of an uncontrollable need for sexual gratification I don’t think I could live with myself.
| Tim W Latsko
- Fri Apr 04, 2008 8:36 pm
You are correct and I agree with your diagnosis of pedophilia with that established I applaud you for seeking help. Your location, income level, and amenability to treatment will likely determine your eligibility for services rendered on a sliding scale. Start with http://www.safersociety.org for a referral to a treatment professional in your area.
http://www.safersociety.org you will provide instructions on how to request a confidential referral for services. The good news is that there are varying forms of treatment techniques that have been found to help pedophiles manage their impulses.
A few first steps for you to take is:
1. Do not allow yourself to be alone with any child. All your time with children must be in the prescence on a person who does not suffer from the same disorder.
2. Your computer use must also be monitored or taken away.
3. The pornography you view can only be appropriate adult pornography/taken away.
4. No contact with minors.
5. All thoughts of self stimulation must be stopped and diverted to an appropriate thought.
6. You need to have one-on-one therapy and participate in group therapies for pedophiles. This is not negotiable and you must find a way to pay for it or go to safersociety.org as previously mentioned.
There is no reasonable or plausabile explanation for harming a child or any person of any age.
Your depression and anxiety must also be treated with medications and cognitive behavioral therapies.
I realize that my forthrightness may cause you distress but do not allow that to deter you from seeking treatment.
Keep me posted and stay away from child-porn, the internet, and children.