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- Tue Oct 28, 2008 11:58 pm
I think my situation is much complex to be discussed in a simple forum.but i'll anyway post my thoughts as merely talking to myself ..
I am now 36 years old and my problem began in 1990. In that year, I left my parents home to join an engineering schoole. Before, I was a handsome & very brilliant student and all my relations were convinced that I would have a wonderful future awaiting me! It seems that this year was the beginning of my real nightmare in life.
The problem is that after reaching age 18 ,my face began to take a shape that is quite ugly. From that moment, I began to feel the mocking reactions of my colleagues and I could not afford the painful injuries that this caused me. I started to fail in my studies and finally, in 1993, I got a sharp depression and was obliged to give up my studies and start psychiatric treatment, which did nothing other than amplify my pain. This lasted for approximately 18 years, turning in vicious cycle. The problem is that my low-self esteem has real and objective causes : which is my ugly appearence- . this is a reality not only a false perception of my body ..people say it to me frankly : they say you have an ugly face! ..
this thing is beyond my control & i couldn't bare the pain of being rejected and laughed to by people around me. finaly after trying all possible solutions (taking medicines, cognitive therapy etc..) i gave up and locked myself in home . i didn't quit my room for about 8 years now! I started to be aggressive towards my parents , brothers & every person that i get in contact with .today i've beaten my mother and threw her & my father out home .. i was nearly mad and terribly aggressive.
I'm still taking medications( Solian 200mg and prozac), and it seems that this problem has reached an unacceptable stage. I'm continually thinking about death as the only relief to my pain..recently, thinking about death become more & more present in my thoughts.
this is a problem which is definitely beyond human control : i can't change my face shape ,people can't stop rejecting me because of my ugly appearance and i can't bare the pain this causes me..
is there a solution to that ? for me : Death is the unique solution.
but i can't kill myself because i'm a believer & my religion forbids killing oneself..however after beating my parents, i think it won't make a difference if i kill myself or not..
| Dr. E. Seigle
- Fri Oct 31, 2008 6:06 pm
Your account of yourself and your life since going to university arouses much compassion, sadness and pain; you sound like you are suffering terribly and for a long time. I am moved to respond to your premise: that your "ugliness"- as you describe it- precludes you from having satisfying relationships. I will assume that it is true that you might inspire rejection and avoidance from some people. However, it is a truth that many people who are unattractive for many different reasons; appearance, physical deformity, mental retardation, mental illness, lack of opportunity, poverty: all such people have learned that it is who they are and even more so, how they feel about themselves and how they act toward others, that is most important in determining whether they are attractive as persons and individuals.
Yet, I respect that you are honestly convinced that it is not possible for people to care for you. And I honestly have not ever encountered that it the world.
My supposition is that you have not had the kind of help that is healing. I would find a therapist who is highly regarded for being expert and also being warm, caring, patient, and bright. I would also consult a psychiatrist, if you have not already done so, to rule out what is called a Body Dysmorphic Disorder, a condition in which one over-focuses upon part of ones body (to explain it over-simply).
I admire your honesty, courage, and your religious and spiritual convictions which you understand deeply enough to help you to endure your emotional pain. And I encourage you not to give up, but seek more help, and also consider group psychotherapy if your potential treating professional agrees. Finally, have you considered talking to minister/pastor from your church, in addition to the above.
You can let me know of your thoughts regarding my response, if you like. You have my concern and compassion.
-Eliot Seigle MD
- Sat Nov 01, 2008 1:00 am
Dr. E. Seigle wrote:
Your account of yourself and your life since going to university arouses much compassion, sadness and pain
; you sound like you are suffering terribly and for a long time. I am moved to respond to your premise: that your "ugliness"- as you describe it- precludes you from having satisfying relationships. I will assume that it is true that you might inspire rejection and avoidance from some people. However, it is a truth that many people who are unattractive for many different reasons; appearance, physical deformity, mental retardation, mental illness, lack of opportunity, poverty: all such people have learned that it is who they are and even more so, how they feel about themselves and how they act toward others, that is most important in determining whether they are attractive as persons and individuals.
-Eliot Seigle MD
Yes i agree with you on this point .and that's what exactly make my case different and difficult:
in my view there are 3 categories of people :
1)those with unattractive appearence ; but with strong personality and great ability to communicate warmely with other people . those persons have componsated their inferior appearance with superior personality charateristics ..and they just have great careers and are happy with their lives.
2) second category : people with attractive (at least acceptable) appearance ,but suffering from personality disorders that make them unable to build good relationships with their surrounding..people of this category have a chance to improve the quality of their lives if they manage to cure themselve from the personality disorder they are victim of (could be social phobia , depression or any other personality disorders illness)..if they recover from their personality disorder illness then it is likely they could have a much better life.
3) third category: is people with both unattractive appearance and unattractive personality: those poor people don't have the alternative of componsating their appearance inferiority with some kind of superiority in their personality (or vice versa)..they just have all factors playing against them ..
i always make the analogy with a warior whom you take-off his weapons and asked him to fight . it is worse if -beside taking the warrior's weapons- you also take- off his cloths and leave him totaly naked ..how can this warrior fight in conditions like that ?!
it happens that i fall in the 3rd category : i have both unattractive appearance and also unattractive personality : i've been an extremely shy boy in my childhood, avoinding talking with stranger people. when i grew 18 years old, it becomes apparent that i'm suffering from social anxiety disorder..
the 2 combined fators (unatractive body+unattractive personality) makes my case much complex and painfull..
i tried working on my personality but it just didn't worked because even if i can overcome social anxiety problems , my unattractive appearance just spoils all efforts i do to overcome theses social anxiety problems..it amplifies my low self-esteem feelings . having a low-self esteem disorder is bad ; but having an unattractive appearance just makes this low self-esteem more worse and difficult to overcome.
I hope i explained well my case ..there are other extra factors that worsen my case ..factors related to how my surrounding treat me and react to my illness.. the tense relationship with my parents whom i'm blaming for being one of the causes of my current phsychological probems..
probably i can explain those points ( my surrounding having been an obstacle against helping me to heal quickly) in other post..off- course in case you are interested to listen to what i have to say about this issue..
btw, i've never been chancefull to have a warm & understanding person to listen to me and help me heal my pains ..people just don't have the patience to listen or help a guy like me ..probably they are busy with their lives & own problems ..so i don't blame them..
i feel so alone & have to fight my battle alone .. after 18 years of sufferings i couldn't find a single person who sincerely sympathize with my case & try giving me some real help..
as you can see -like i explained above- all factors are playing against me. It is just like that & probably i can't do anything about it.