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- Sat Dec 13, 2008 9:17 am
Now i am 19 at college.Since i was smaller i played tennis because my father loves it but i didn't played very well and he used to scream at me ,offend me and i use to feel very bad because i knew i suck and also that i don't like to play it.Everytime i had to play tennis i felt very anxious..very nervous,(it is so bad..i can hardly describe it)thinking what if i play bad,what if i embarrass myself,my father would scream then at me.He would also scream and offended me whenever i did something wrong and i was very affected but it was for short term(few hours)and them and i became happy and go on with my life. Anyway i was feeling anxious only when i had to play tennis and my father was present..or when i knew father would scream at me..or when i had to prove to him that i do something good(for example when he would asked about my school homework)because i realised he may get vrey angry on me because i don't meet his expectations... so i could live with that that.When i grew older i started feeling axious(nervous,tense,stressed) about more stuffs for example..(I may emabarass myself in front of my friends by saying or doing something innapropiate..i may dissapoint my teachers,i begun feeling very insecure about myself..always blaming myself),but i could live with this too,because it didn't happen all the time.But then at 14 i didn't want to play tennis anymore because it made me very anxious and i said i will just do something else like everybodyelse..i was very good at school,very smart but then i thought what if i couldn't focus anymore,couldn't concetrate..i wouldn't be able to read a book,wouldn't be able to speak with someone,wouldn't be able to learn.From that day
anxiety exploded,i started thinking and worrying every day if am able to conectrate,and analysing myself to see if am concetrating,i couldn't stop thnking about this.It became the biggest problem of my life(i can not concentrate,my life will change forever.i will change forever,).I knew that everything we do we must concetrate,so it was obvious that if couldn't focus i wouldn't do anything as good as i used to.So i started feeling anxious,nervous ,tense about most of the things i had to do(Speak with a friend,speak with my family,take test at school,speak with unknown persons).When i had to prove somtehing to my father or somebody else i was feeling ten time more stressed and anxious then i felt before that day.
In present i am very frustrated, insecure,i feel confused ,i can't see a solution to this.I feel worthless ,anxious,guilty,what if can not concentrate,whe i am around other people.
i feel obliged to do things by society or by some people(go to school,clean my room).
Sometimes i hate everything,i refuse anything,i don't like anything.I always try to hide my emotions to look normal in front of the others.Only my parents now of this problem.
Very strange....,things that i like became ugly,if i say to someone i like this,imediately it turns ugly,.the more frustrated i am the more uglier the things look,but also very strange is that i somehow know this is a nice girl or car or etc..but i actually see it ugly and makes me depressed,and i know if it hadn't been this ishue i would certainly enjoyed that particular thing or car etc.I feel like
somebody tries to show me that this thing is or looks ugly because i did something wrong.I feel it tries to show me this message("i can control you..everything will look bad and you will feel depressed.and you can do anything about it)
This is very strange and annoying.You like something than it becomes ugly and depressing and you realise and think what if everything i like becomes depressing.
Even what i liked most when i was younger becomes now ugly and annoying and depressing.I feel insecure,one second i look at a girl and i like it and the next second it starts looking ugly and makes me sad.Very strange and frustrating.
With all this i still manage to be a medium to good student at Computer Science
What do you think?especially about this incertinties.I feel i worry to much but i can not help it.I somewhow feel influenced by somepeople,if someone would say to me you can not concentrate,you can not concetrate,you just can not.it would become very difficult ,almost impossible for me to concetrate,i would feel my mind stuck.and also feel very angry on that person,and frustrated.
I 've been to a therapist but he doesn't understand what i am going through,i can not explain it very good
| Dr. E. Seigle
- Sat Dec 13, 2008 2:28 pm
It appears that you may have an anxiety disorder and perhaps a mood disorder, which you intelligently relate to your relationship with your father, and which is interfering with your happiness and other aspects of your life. I would strongly suggest that you consult with a psychiatrist in order to evaluate you for what is the appropriate diagnosis, as there are several different types of anxiety and depressive disorders. Once you have a diagnosis for your condition(s) and an understanding of what may be contributing to it, the psychiatrist can recommend a treatment plan, which may include psychotherapy, medication, or both. These conditions are both common and treatable, so I suspect that you can be undoubtedly helped a lot. I applaud your courage and honesty for discussing these upsetting thoughts and feelings. Good luck!
E. Seigle MD
- Thu Apr 02, 2009 6:10 pm
It is very comforting to hear of another person that is my age and literally in the same situation I am. I completely relate to the constant anxiety that you may feel... I too am very insecure, always questioning myself and speaking to myself (very often bad things related to my insecurity), I am also always pretending to be enjoying the moment, but the truth is I just can't enjoy anything anymore, as there is a constant fear and anxiety that pervades my life. i completely relate to your example with the girl too, as well as with other objects that you find pretty one moment, and then ugly or simply normal the next. i feel that whatever i find pretty (and it usually is pretty only for a while) is only pretty because I want it to be pretty, but then I become very analytical, and somehow my mind makes this idea that it is pretty because I want it to be pretty, and then it stops being pretty. I somehow feel my anxiety is controlling me, it simply does not let me enjoy the moment. I don't seem to like anything anymore, and I also feel I am tied to what society dictates me to do, I study, do my things, go out and hang out with friends.... but I simply don't seem to truly enjoy anything anymore. I too played tennis when I was young, and am currently a very decent student studying engineering in a good school. As in your case, most people don't really know me, except possibly my parents to some extent. I really haven't talked to anyone about this issue, though I have done a lot of online research about how to reduce anxiety and how to have positive thoughts....the truth is I have not thoroughly tried any technique, but whatever small tips i have encountered along the way have not really helped a lot. Sometimes I feel that I am simply intrinsically flawed, that I am simply not meant to be happy, and it really lowers my self esteem. Something I've also realized along the way is that there are some people that are just naturally and intrinsically happy...they seem to really enjoy life...I just wish I was one of them. Finally, I have had several experiences with marijuana, but I've never truly enjoyed the drug, as it accentuates and increases the frequency of my constant negative thoughts, which ultimately lead to greater levels of fear and anxiety. I relate this because from experience I feel that every happy person I know does enjoy the drug, and only unhappy people don't. Finally, sometimes I think to myself that the only way of curing myself from all this fear and anxiety would be through psychotherapy (though I have not really investigated much about it at all) or through psychotherapy and the use of some psychedelic drug that could help me rewire my entire psychology. Finally, I've thought about killing myself many times, but I simply lack the courage to do so, and there is also a faint hope that i will be happy someday, though I presently have no idea how or when.
I seriously wish I could stop all this anxiety and fear.
Any thoughts or ideas would be appreciated.