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- Mon Dec 22, 2008 12:12 am
I've never talked about myself like this before to anyone, so let me know if I'm doing it wrong or something. Anyways, I am not happy with a lot of things, and confused about a lot more, but I've never bothered trying to get help from anyone before. I always figured if I tried to explain myself to a psychiatrist or psychologist they'd bear with me long enough to write me a prescription for some antidepressant and that'd be it. Even coming here, there's two subdivisions to the psychiatry forum - psychiatric topics and antidepressants. For some reason that doesn't really jive with me, I guess I just wish there was a way to fix me rather than just medicate me. Anyways...
First of all, I don't like people. I have never been social, always very shy as people would constantly remind me (to my great annoyance!). This has always, always been a problem for me and I've been combating it constantly. For example, I went to the biggest public university around so that I could get used to being around people. Mistake #1. I hate going outside and being lost in those seas of people, so I skip a lot of classes and try to learn the material on my own - doesn't work out well, as my GPA will attest. Another example - when I saw that I wasn't meeting anyone in class, or at lunch, or wherever the hell you're supposed to spark up random, somehow meaningful conversation with people, I joined a fraternity. It certainly was fun for awhile and I enjoy the brotherhood, but I absolutely HATE going to the parties. There are always tons of people, drinking, music, dancing - all the things that everyone says makes a good party, but I can't stand it at all. I'll go, not know how to introduce myself or start conversation with all the people around me, and end up just hanging out with the losers or dudes with girlfriends, hiding out somewhere alone, or just wandering aimlessly between rooms, trying to look like I'm having a good time.
On the other hand, I have no problem being around people that I know well or people that I feel are "beneath" me. That may be confusing so I'll explain - people that are younger than me, nerds, ugly, male (moreso than female at least), etc. That may sound harsh, and I agree - I don't consciously judge people by such trivial qualities, but it's simply the way I operate and I can't help it. Believe me, I've been thinking about these things for years and it's like I just can't connect with people that I feel are better than me in those areas. If I'm around someone that I don't know or whatever, I'll just constantly be on edge. I can't carry on a conversation at all. It's like when I'm talking to someone I know, they'll say something and I'll just reply with what I want to say - it simply pops into my head like it was there all along. When I'm talking to someone I don't know, it's like someone turned off the light in my head and I'm stumbling around, trying to find something, ANYTHING to say. A lot of times I leave conversations with strangers feeling dissatisfied, because I feel that I haven't been able to properly get across my meaning whereas if I'd just had a minute to gather my thoughts, I could have said what I wanted to say, exactly and succinctly, in a heartbeat. It's just frustrating having that happen ALL the time, and for that reason or whatever reason, I don't like being around lots of people, people that I don't know, or people that I feel are better than me.
Another thing that I really hate about myself is that when something gets to me, I really let it get to me. For example, the other day I got a haircut (I hate getting them!). Back in the day, though, I would just let my hair grow for months and months because I hated getting them so much, and, after I did, I wouldn't go outside for days because I hated my new hair so much. Now I'm a pretty ugly dude, which I'm not happy about, but I guess I'm kind of used to it by now. Anyways, my theory is that I get kind of used to staring at my mug in the mirror over the course of however many months it is between cuts, and, after I get one, it kind of... reminds me of the situation I'm in. So, back to the matter at hand, I got back from getting my hair cut the other day and I check it out - don't like it, obviously, but I've gotten past secluding myself for days afterwards (a job helps to take care of that). Anyways, I kind of get to thinking about how I'm ugly and that gets me to thinking about how I've never had a gf, which gets me to thinking about how I've never been on a date, which gets me to thinking about how shy I am, which gets me to thinking about how I'm probably never going to love someone or have children, which gets me to thinking about the future, which gets me to thinking about how poorly I'm doing in school, which gets me to thinking about how it's going to be hard as hell to get a job, and on and on and on. It's like if I stop and think about one problem, I can't not think about all the problems that I have and it gets me really, really down on myself. It's hard to say how often this happens, sometimes every few months... sometimes every few days. Most of the time I don't even think about it. I think it happens a lot more when I'm unoccupied, though, because I tend to spend a lot of time with my thoughts.
One reason I haven't talked about this before is that I have no respect for the situation that I am in. It feels so... popular I guess, these days, to be emo and cry and be depressed and obsessed with your problems and that I find completely retarded. I always figured that if I went for clinical help they'd diagnose me with some kind of depression, but people these days (especially my age) parade depression around like it's some kind of trophy. For that reason, I feel like I'm just being angsty when I start doing connect-the-dots with my problems and that I should just buck up, be a man, and stop it. It sounds really simple in my head, but I don't know why I don't. There are points when I first start thinking about a problem and then another, and then another... where in the back of my head I'm thinking, "I should stop this, I know where this goes." But I just don't. For whatever reason I don't and that voice gets fainter and fainter until I'm completely worked up about whatever stupid problem I started out with in the first place. Anyways, I'm kind of tired of sitting on the fence, not knowing if the problem is in my head or in my imagination. I really just want someone to step in and definitively say, "this is the what is wrong and here is how to fix it" - obviously asking too much but one can dream. Really what I want is just thoughts - anything at all. I've run all of this through my head millions of times and I'm tired of hearing my own opinion, but I'm too embarrassed to go to the people I trust and too shy to go to people that I do not.
Finally - the end. Sorry for the length, this was mostly stream of consciousness, but it could've been much worse, believe me. I've been thinking about these things for ages. I certainly feel much better having finally shared all these feelings with someone, even if it is a whole bunch of people who don't know or care about me at all. Anyways, thanks in advance and I look forward to replies.
- Fri Dec 26, 2008 4:12 am
Hey, I read what you said and although, as a bystander, I can't really help you out much, there was one thing I read which really rings true:
"For that reason, I feel like I'm just being angsty when I start doing connect-the-dots with my problems and that I should just buck up, be a man, and stop it. It sounds really simple in my head, but I don't know why I don't. "
I have some problems where I sometimes feel pretty down, and I think to myself: "You're a man, your life is easy, you don't have a terminal illness, so stop whining". It never works though, because it doesn't matter how good your life is, or whether you aknowledge the fact that you shouldn't feel so bad, YOU STILL DO.
To be honest, I would suggest that you don't look forwards into the future too much, but focus on your problems as of now - worrying never helped anyone. Try getting rid of the way you feel, and if you can't do it yourself, try seeing a psychiatrist. Today's whole "emo/depression/self-harming" fashion is annoying as hell, and the psychiatrist might just brand you as one of them, but nothing feels better than letting out your troubles - they seem less bad when you can share them with someone.
That's all I can say. Sorry for not being much of a help, but I hope things turn out okay for you in the long run.
- Sat Apr 25, 2009 7:40 am
I am amazed by how much of your problem is like that of mine.
anti-people, shyness: yes
conversation: strangers=bad friends=excellent
recursive thinking (one bad thought after the other): yes
false sense of superiority to others: yes
unwilling to do much about it/all attempts were undesirable: yes
I am hoping you have found a way to tackle your problem. I would like to see how you are since your post.
And I sincerely hope you don't get down by revisiting these thoughts.