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- Mon Jan 05, 2009 11:30 am
when i was 14 i remember being a little bit stressed,maybe a little depressed because i was playing tennis very bad,my father would scream at me,put pressure on me,offend me when i suck where i would do something wrong.I also started masturbating and i was feeling guilty for this,very guilty.And one day i thought maybe i should quit tennis and do something else.I was a good student.I was feeling very insecure,i had some thoughts that maybe i won't manage to do something else in my life,my i would become a loser,and i was thinknig like this.Anyway i am good at math but then i was thinking that maybe i am not that good.Then i was thinking anyway i am smart,i know it,everyone knows it but then i thought to be smart and clever i have to focus,concentrate,if i couldn't concentrate i would not be able to act like a clever and smart person as i used to be.So i remembered how i would focus and think,concentrate in past situations when i had to solve some problems,at school,when i speak with someone ,in almost anyactivity,when i read ,because if i could'nt focus,concentrate i wouldn't be able o do any of these i started to stress ,and worry(What if i couldn't focus,couldn't concentrate when someone is speaking with me,or when i play tennis,or when i read,my life would be over).
And when i realised how bad would the consequences if i couldn't concentrate i knew that i will always worry i might not focus when i need to.I felt i opened the "pandora box",i was thinking of my god now i will always worry and stress,i can get of my mind this thought,and i will probably never get it out of my mind.I just new it will always hunt me,and that is what has happened.I started feeling guilty for thinking this thought(I must focus mentally in order to do any activity,if i wouldn't focus i would do everything bad),i felt as i dugg my grave,.Since then it happened almost exactly how i predicted it would,i started thinking something like that("am i concentrating right now?oh my god i am not ,or i don't even know if i am)whenever i had to speak with someone,or read a book,or watch television etc.I started analysing myself to see if i am concentrating,and it is stressing,it is oefull.And i always thought i opened the pandora box in that day.I felt different since then,always stressing i might not focus,and i would dissapoinnt everyone,my future is ruin,.I couldn't get it uot of my mind,every time i had to something i was analysing myself("am i focusing,i am not,oh my god,how can i focus when i am analysing myself).I was feeling guilty for doing this and for having this thoughts,i started thinking what would people say about me if they would find out.Anyway i struggled with my life and tried to remain at good level.
I managed to get in college.The point is do you really think that that day was decisive,the day when i thought "what if couldn't focus anymore..etc". or maybe it had to happen one day and probably i had some issues before that day.and eventually it had to happen.I remember before that day, sometimes when my father would scream at me i would start having some obsessive thoughts of myself,that maybe i am stupid,or crazy .Sometimes things looked against me,i felt guilty,sometimes i was having the impression that everyone hates me,and i was imagining what they would think about me("how stupid is this guy",look at him he is the weirdest")something like that but they were temporary and i wasn't stressing so much how i started when thinking i may not focus.
| Dr. E. Seigle
- Thu Feb 05, 2009 3:59 pm
I'm hearing that you are likely to be experiencing an anxiety disorder, primarily one known as Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, perhaps with anxiety related to social interactions and your performance on school-related tasks as well. You may also be experiencing some depression, which is very common in those who have anxiety disorders, as the anxiety is so disruptive to one's life, self-esteem, and ability to function and feel good.
The good news is that you are very insightful, articulate and self-aware regarding important issues surrounding your anxiety and its related thoughts,particularly as these appear to distort in a negative fashion your true capacities and "worth". Even better news is that there are good treatments for the kinds of anxiety disorder(s) and depression that you may have. These include what is called "cognitive-behavioral psychotherapy" as well as anti-anxiety medications, particularly those that are known as selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs).
I'd suggest that you consider consulting with a psychiatrist, who can evaluate you, come up with the correct diagnosis and the reasons that you may have the conditions that you are suffering from, and then make recommendations as to the appropriate treatment plan for you. Typically, people need a combination of psychotherapy with medication, although sometimes one of these alone is sufficient.
Good luck, it seems that your outlook is excellent with the proper help.
-E. Seigle MD