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- Tue Apr 07, 2009 1:44 pm
Feeling much different from my earlier post.
Still totally out of control with my emotions, have had uncontrolable laughter, cracking jokes, doing the most unusual silly faces and actions, also talking using explicit words in a very rude mannor but lost the servere depression and suicidal thoughts.
However this is more scary as I feel like I'm going mad instead and now my binge eating is so bad I can hardly move through the pain of eating so much. I've gained a stone in two weeks and now look like I should be giving birth. Hiding at home is the only thing I can do now, no friends, no going out, no contact with the outside world!
Things are only going to get worse for me, it doesn't matter how much anybody (professional or not) tells me I just need to keep trying. I have taken all the advice I have been given and yet why do I still feel like a failure and alone in my pain.
My doctor doesn't know the half of what I go through as he doesn't have time and I feel like a freak with all these awful mental health issues (I'm not going back there!).
I am a freak, I've lost the plot.
I have an eating disorder which is at it's worst, now taking laxatives and thinking I might take cocaine to stop me eating as I can't go through this crap with such little support from the eating clinic (I see them every two weeks and all they say is to try and eat balanced meals, drink plenty of water and take exercise. Easy for them to say, I've suffered with this for 10 years. All I want to be is thin and I've put on more than two stone over the years, I feel dirty, fat and a lot of pain, mentally and physically). I suffer with constipation so much so I sometimes don't go for a whole week.
When I'm in this state I suffer with OCD and have to clean the house and wash my body over and over to try and wash away the dirty feeling.
I don't have relationships, I wouldn't put anyone else through the torture I go through, obsessed by food, alcohol, drugs and my state of mind (maybe bipolar also).
I have gone from being independant, running my own business and having lots of money, nice car, house. Then employed by a company and now signed off work, quit, no money, nearly no house and hangging on to this world by a tiny piece of thread..If only I had a pair of scissors.
Sorry for the long rabble, I'm sooooo desperate for help and with all my problems it's so complicated. I can't get accross all these issues to my doc or psychitrst.
What a waste of a life.
Although I say I'm not depressed I wish I had the guts to end it all. If only.
Can you help me make my psychitris understand?
| Faye Lang, RN, MSW
- Fri Apr 10, 2009 1:22 pm
You are definitely having a hard time with your issues. They all seem to be related to your self image. You have an important asset, in that you are able to compose a clear review of your concerns and pain. You will need to use that asset to the fullest degree in order to help yourself. Staying with a treatment plan when it doesn't seem to be working is very difficult, especially if you aren't able to keep clear track of your ups and downs. I urge you to keep a daily log of your issues and feelings so that a clear picture is available. Use your strong descriptive skills in recording your status. Take it with you when you see your psychiatrist and ask him or another treatment provider to read it. If you feel that your psychiatrist is not listening to you, tell him/her that, as emphatically as necessary. It sounds too simple when advised, but the truth is that you must make choices to help yourself, including seeking positives in your life. If a second opinion is available to you, use it.
Good luck to you.
Faye, RN, MSW
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