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Forum Name: Psychiatric Topics

Question: Get my life back after leaving personality disordered mate


 SnowEagle - Sun May 10, 2009 4:45 pm

I was married almost 20 yrs (1988-2008) to someone who I now believe has to be mentally disordered. He sounds somewhat similar to the post Kazza26 Wed Jul 16, 2008. He was irrational, and created chaos. Nothing could stay as it was, it always had to be changed or fixed, even if it was not boken. He always countered me or underminded me, my opinion meant nothing. As if I am nothing, just an object to amuse him, to make him look good. He would sulk, not talk, do passive agressive thinks like take the house vacuum cleaner apart so no one could vacuum when my oldest daughter was graduating and her biological grandparents were coming 1000 miles to see her. Thus the house would look bad. When our youngest (daughter we had toghether), 7 yrs younger than my other daughter. got in to drugs and was sexually active. He denied it said I was crazy, despite what the neighbors and police and other concerned parents would say to him. He would just stand there silent, sometimes red faced in anger, but totally not accepting anything that was said. Even when she moved on to meth and was wasiting away. All this time I am reaching out and trying to get help and what do I do. She ended up in rehab, pregnant, and never finished highschool. Through all of this he was like in denial, he does not have problems, he is perfect, his family is perfect, he is holier than thou. If there is a problem then it is my fault, he even said once that things go so well when I am not around. I moved out and filed for divorce after our daughter ran away. I got her back but no help from him. He went to his church meeting. She lived with me for 1.5 yrs while the divorce was going on. I know she was trying to get off meth but she just couldnot stop. The last time I busted her was when she got to rehab as by then the probation officer finally beleived that yes she does have a problem and that she has been lying all this time. She was a very good lier. Anyway back to me, when I moved out I was not functioning well and I was sick alot. It continued for the past 2.5 yrs. I have been to numerous councelors and doctors and it sort of helps but I am not well. I can not put things away, I forget things, I get sick a lot. I am on cymbalta as I know I am depressed still. Our daughter is no longer living with her boy friend, she and the baby are in state housing and wellfare. What can I do to get over this trauma and confusion. I somtimes think I am still in shock at the actions of my ex
 Faye Lang, RN, MSW - Wed Jul 15, 2009 1:18 pm

Hello, Snow Eagle -

Congratulations for breaking the bond from your abusive mate. It's not easy to do, and you have proven you have the inner strength to overcome the resulting emotions. Your anger and depression are expected after such a struggle. Usually, people feel both guilt for leaving and anger for not leaving sooner; further, they doubt that they "deserve" to be free and move on. The issues with your daughter only add more guilt and anger. It would be helpful for you to join a group with similar problems; such groups are available both in person and on-line. If there are none in your area, pursue the one online. Hearing the experience of others and sharing your experience will help to overcome your negative emotions and will help you see that you deserve good things in your life. While you do that, also find a personal mantra that you can use, because we are what we believe. Such a mantra could be "I am beautiful and deserve good things," or something similar that you prefer. Say it to yourself every day, many times a day. Be sure that at least one of the times you say it is while looking in a mirror. This seems simple, but it can be very powerful. If you enjoy reading, read about co-dependency and how to overcome it.

Good luck to you.

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