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- Mon May 11, 2009 10:47 am
Hi i really need help with this because i'm really confused now about everything. When i was 11 i was molested by my mother, after that i started developing habits i didn't have before like i would abuse myself i.e. hit or punch my body when i thought about the incident also i would do strange stuff like obsessively turn the light switch on and off for no apparent reason and wiping my hands when people touched me and not getting too close to people or have a specific order of doing everyday things, for example i would have a certain way to get dressed for going to school, one day i even tried doing it in a different order but felt "weird" so i started the process over the "right" way. Later on i started having these strange moments in church where i would feel uneasy, i would feel problems breathing, like if someone was choking me and my heart rate would speed up this problem persisted to other public places, i eventually "got over" these problems because i'm generally a strong minded person and i told myself that it was all in my head so if i didn't generate the thoughts it would go away,however i used to think it was because i really didn't like going to church but now i'm thinking that it was because i felt like i was keeping this secret, because i never told anyone about. The reason i'm confused is because certain things about myself which i thought were embedded in me and were a part of my personality, now seem to be linked to me being molested. Like ever since i could remember i NEVER wanted to have children or get married, i remember saying these things when i was 13 years old, before i used to say that its because they are too much problems but now i'm thinking that i'm afraid that i'll hurt them the way my mother hurt me, because there is no other reason for me not wanting them because i really do like kids. Another thing is i never wanted to have a boyfriend before i finished high school but now that i'm finished and i do have one we don't do stuff like making out, i tell him its because i find it disgusting which i kinda do but sometimes i feel like its because i don't want to get too close to anyone. Sometimes i feel like i never even want to lose my virginity, when friends ask me why i want to wait until like 20 something to lose it i tell them i want to be old enough so i won't have any regrets and i want it to be the right person but to tell you the truth i don't think i will ever let anyone get so close to me as to see me naked far less take away my virginity!. Can you please help me, i have never told anyone any of this not even my best friend because its really hard when you are the person all your friends go to when THEY have a problem, when you are supposed to be the strong one how are they going understand if you tell them you have a personal problem.By the way i'm 17 yrs old. I would really appreciate yours yours help. Thanks in advance.
| Debbie Miller, RN
- Thu Jul 09, 2009 6:50 pm
I think you are showing maturity and insight in examining your feelings and what might be suppressed pain. I would definitely try to see a counselor of some kind who you could trust and confide in. You have done nothing wrong so don't feel guilt over this and try not to feel shame, even though it's a common response to abuse such as this.
If there is another adult family member you could trust to talk about this, it might help but I know how difficult it is to implicate other members of the family (your mother) in that way. You could start with a doctor. Request a regular physical exam without a particular problem to address besides this. See the doctor privately and explain your situation. You could also work through a mental health clinic or therapist. If you have health insurance, there may be benefits that cover counseling and behavioral health issues. This is very real and you need to get help in overcoming the anxiety it is causing you. I believe it is coming from deep inside where you have hidden it as a way of coping. No young child should be subjected to this but unfortunately, many are. There is a way out and a way to health if you get some help.
If you have trouble finding a resource, you might also check with NAMI (www.nami.org). You may also be able to link up with a support group in your area. Many victims have been able to successfully overcome this trauma with work, patience and professional help.
I would suggest you not be in any hurry to become sexually active. It may seem like "everybody's doing it" but the fact remains that many young people choose to abstain until marriage or at least until they are more mature and able to deal with both the physical and emotional consequences of their decisions. It should not happen casually, especially for someone in your situation. Time is on your side. Please concentrate on getting the help you need for yourself first.
Good luck and best wishes.