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- Sun Aug 02, 2009 7:41 pm
Hello, I am a 27 year old female living with her parents and diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder.
I see a psychiatrist weekly for medication and therapy. I have a history of self injury by overdosing. One was serious enough to sent me to the ER and put on a 72 hour hold in the psych ward about 5 years ago.
I'm generally pretty happy but I get intense dysphoria at times that put me at risk of self harm.
I'm a active member in a mental health forum where support is given by consumers. It is run by a psychiatrist who doesn't give out advice and who is just the administrator. Ever since I found the forum I've developed an intense love for this doctor. That was 5 years ago. I am still intensely in love with him. I don't know much about him. I have met up with him several times. We have these yearly get togethers that coincide with the American Psychiatric Association Meetings he attends every year. So far I've been to Toronto, D.C. and recently San Francisco.
I've asked him in person whether or not he minds me being in love with him and he said, "It's fine". I've asked for hugs and autograph from him. I got the hugs and autograph.
I think about this doctor every day and I find myself saying "I love you Dr. ___" over and over again. I get a comfy feeling inside me when I think of him. My psychiatrist knows all about my love. I long for this doctor to be my friend, but he always keeps good boundaries between himself and the posters of his forum. I've played Scrabble with him on Facebook and just recently I am following him on Twitter. He is aware of all this.
I profess my love for him all the time on the mental health forum, hoping the doctor will read my posts. He allows it.
Now it seems like this love I have isn't hurting anyone. It seems to help me cope with life. He doesn't seem to mind either. I plan on loving him until I die.
The only thing of concern is that sometimes I have this wish for him to "save" me. For example on my recent trip to San Francisco to see him and other forum members, I grew obsessed with the thought of getting lonely and upset and jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge. I had fantasies of him saving me and such. Nothing happened on the trip though, it was a wonderful trip.
So I just wanted a second opinion and perhaps confirmation that my love for this doctor is harmless. Everyone seems to think so. Am I correct in thinking he doesn't mind my intense love for him?
| Faye Lang, RN, MSW
- Sun Aug 09, 2009 7:25 pm
Your personality disorder predisposes you to seek enhanced emotional involvement, and it isn't surprising that you have focused on the doctor. As long as he maintains appropriate boundaries and doesn't reinforce your behavior, there is not much else to be done. I'm relieved that you understand that your rescue fantasies are indeed fantasies. You are receiving comprehensive treatment and seem reality-based, so your love is not causing treatment issues, and that's the best that anyone can hope for.
Good luck to you.