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Forum Name: Psychiatric Topics

Question: relationship problem


 gladia - Thu Sep 17, 2009 9:42 am

Icome from a very traditional family which is against love marriage.Actually my sis got married 6 months ago.Her husband was very friendly and playful....so i liked him a lot.Later he also liked me and we started to love each other,and we entered into a affair and very soon we went physical,then i realised that i was cheating my sister,then i told whatever had happened to my friends and they told me to avoid him...i did that.Then i told him that i was going to be his friend,but he didnt accept it.He still wants to be the same and expects me to be the same towards him...but i don't want to be like that after i have realised my mistake,i want him to realise his mistake,what should i do now?he is a very stubborn person,he always wants what he desires and he is capable of doing anything to get me,i'm afraid that he would tell about his affair wiith me to my family people and my sister.please help me,i still love him as i used to,but its just that i want to that love in form of friendship...please help me
 Debbie Miller, RN - Sat Jul 17, 2010 1:47 pm

User avatar Hello,
I am glad to see you have realized that this cannot be a good thing to pursue. I am afraid it can be very difficult to go from lover to friend and some men and women are never able to accomplish that. It may be unrealistic since he does not share your desire for this kind of relationship. It may be necessary for you to cut off all interactions with him. Of course this can be difficult given that he is your brother-in-law, but I think it is necessary. It may even require talking with your family. I would hope they would appreciate your desire to make things right even though you made a mistake. Most likely it would negatively affect your relationship with your sister but sometimes bridges of trust can be rebuilt over time.

Good luck
 nondoctrate - Sat Jul 17, 2010 4:27 pm

heya,

your right to think this is a bad relationship for you to be in, you weren't meant to be in it in the first place but from no fault of his or your own, these things happen . What you need to do is firmly end the relationship, remove the relasionship from your mind, find a hobbie, this will open up to a new social enviroment with new people and new interests to your current ones, this will help you forget the ordeal of the previous relationship, and guess what, not only will you make new friends, you may find a potential hubby! If your an active person my i suggest water sports and joining a club of some sort, sailing perhaps, if thats not for you have a think about something that you've always wanted to do, odds are theres a club to join. Or theres the completley spontaneous option.... open the phone book in the advert bit find the clubs and societys pages close your eyes and call the first one your finger falls upon.
Remember once you've ended the relationship it a new start for you.

As for the family occasions, just remember that they were happily married once and probably will be again, people do waiver from the path but with the righ enviroment about them they get straight back on to the path they set out on. Perhaps down the road you may even be able to invite your sis and her husband to the 'club house'. Best of luck.
 Faye Lang, RN, MSW - Mon Jul 19, 2010 7:06 pm

Hello gladia and nondoctrate,

You've noted some positive approaches, and I will add one more: look into individual therapy for yourself. Withstanding the pressure of family can be extremely difficult, and it would be very helpful for you to discuss the ramifications of talking to your family about this topic. It would be very easy for everyone to put all the blame on you, when you and your brother-in-law are equally responsible for what happened. You said that your brother-in-law is very stubborn and always gets what he wants - does this mean he has been threatening to you? If so, take all necessary measures for your own protection and safety.

Good luck to you!

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