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- Thu Oct 29, 2009 3:33 am
I'm honestly not sure if posting here can help me or not, coz I see no way out for me except dying and being reborn. Yes, I have suicidal thought. And I'm a gay man.
I'm 29yo, a Chinese descendant, who is trapped in Indonesia surrounded by people who hate me coz of my race and sexuality. It's very hard to live here as gay. No Indonesian gays here, either native Indonesian or Chinese descendant,who want to be gay coz being gay here is very shameful and we will be alienated for sure. But unlike local gay, I have a different set of mind. I don't want to marry a girl just to hide my homosexuality or to 'cure' it!!! I'm not afraid to be gay, I love being gay, I want to find a nice gay man who can love me for who I am. Problem is, I can find noone! And it makes me very depressed to the point of suicide.
I try hard in my relationship, showing all my care and love. I even close my eyes when I know they cheat on me. I simply want my relationship to work! I have 3 local ex bf and 5 ex foreigner bfs (all Caucasian - long distance). I ALWAYS end up being used sexually or financially! They never really loved me. The local broke me up coz they were scared when they saw me wanting real commitment. The foreigners broke me up coz they never intend to fly to Jakarta to love me.
I join all gay personals I can find, but no man contacts me coz I'm half world away from them!. I want to fly out but I have no money. Even if I had money, I will likely be rejected by embassies coz Im a man from a poor country who have strong wish to stay abroad. I have given up prayers (was a Christian) and decided to go atheist coz I blame God for creating this homophobic world which lead to my suffering as a rejected loveless gay man.
I don't seek any help coz most psychologists in Indonesia don't agree with homosexuality. They even still label gay as DISEASE and sexual DEVIATION! I can't seek help from those who think I'm sick coz of my sexuality!
My mom advise me to save money to go abroad to after my gay freedom, which I do. But I still don't see how it can help. I can only save $100/month and I'm 29yo now. Plane ticket cost a lot! I will be saving till I grow old and turn unattractive! Even if I can, US embassy or European embassies will not let me pass coz I have a big neon sign on my head "I want to live in ur country as a free gay man!" This leads me to severe depression.
I often cry and yell. I throw things in my bedroom out of rage. I blame homophobic God for creating this hostile world. I blame my stupid ancestors for sailing to Indonesia. I blame my naive parents who bore me into this mess. And I blame myself for still breathing.
Sometimes I play out scenarios of how I want to die. Unfortunately,I also happen to be scared of pain. Thus I'm often confused among cutting my veins, hanging, getting hit by a truck, electrocuting myself, or drinking insecticide.
I don't think anyone can help me. I'm a gay man who was born at the WRONG PLACE!!! I don't want my homosexuality to be 'cured'! I just want a gay lover !!!
| Dr.M.jagesh kamath
- Mon Nov 02, 2009 10:34 pm
Hello,Each country differ in rules and perceptions.There are problems faced by many in a hostile environment.It is not just for gay,hetero but also for various other interrelationships.Why even families or for that matter twins think alike?We have to find ways to live comfortably in a given environment and be prepared to do some sacrifice.It is not just getting married but to flourish in life.First you must aim at economic stability by innovation and 100 percent dedication.Life will sort out it self and provide you with opportunities.One day you will find your match.Till such time concentrate on other activities especially outdoor.Ok?