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- Thu Aug 19, 2010 2:53 pm
I had a decent childhood, wonderful at times, especially during ages 7-10.
My teenage years is where my life grew bad. There was abuse in my family, not directly at me, but towards my mom. My father constantly verbally abused my mom for a few years. And over that time period he physically abused her a few times. Mom and i both walked on eggs shells when at home. My straight A's went down the drain and my life changed a lot. We didn't have any money hardly at all. Dad kept it all. This was stressful for me, as my mom worked but i hated using her money, though i had to. She didn't make much. Minimum wage. Anyways.... Anxiety started then and hasn't stopped. I've repeatedly spent months and months worrying about a certain "what if thought" that i didn't have the answer for until i did have the answer. The sad thing is, looking back on the past ones it doesn't take hardly any intelligence to figure out an answer for those past questions.
From 12- 13 - It was religious thoughts. I was around my "religious fanatical" grandfather who, had strong beliefs. We'll that made me question whether God knew my heart. My mother would tell me of course he does. But i think, imo, i was so exhausted that i was stupid.
I finally dropped out of school around 15. I stayed at home doing christian homeschooling.
Finally, after months and months, and maybe eating 2 meals per day. I built myself up enough to realize that God did know my heart if he existed. So that worry was gone and NOW, i see how stupid it was.
14-15 Soon after that though. I got worried about little Gods. i don't know exactly what brought this thought about. So i worried that there were Gods, so little in places where i might never go, like China for instance, that they couldn't communicate to me. I think i wondered if another little God who had power only over my city was causing me to see hallucinations.
i look back on these worries and i cant believe how stupid they are.
But now i think im in a mess again.
After watching the 'matrix' movie.
i began worrying about that constantly for 3 weeks.
I finally decided that since my bro told me it was a movie and only a movie, and i knew he was smart, that i would no longer worry about it. So i thought that was gone.
I actually got so lonely from being at home alone while my parents were at work, and being home schooled on my own (no one taught me) that i decided to "create" 4 people to hear.
These people, i decided would be my 2 fav celebrities, and my ideal motherly figure and then some other guy, who would be my father. Well within days of me opening up my head to 'hear' them i actually began hearing them when i didnt want to. And when i didnt intentionally mean to. All of them have names.
So i heard voices.They told me i was crazy, and the world i saw was hallucinations. This scared me a lot. After this, My anxiety was horrible for a year. Then somehow it lessened. i kinda believed them. I gradually changed my mind allow myself to be open to the idea that maybe i was crazy. Believe it or not, my anxiety was not horrible over these several months because i knew, if i were crazy, that i was making progress toward finding the truth.
NOTE: I have never seen these 4 people that i have created. Never. I have only heard them, and then seen them in realistic lucid dreams.
Now i got over that what if i'm crazy thought. Sort of. I kind of am shocked at my behavior over the past several months. As soon as that worry sort of left, i started thinking more. Because i feel like i have answers. And i had to make sure that there was no chance that i was going to be tortured after i die.
I had a BAD anxiety spell and right after that i stopped hearing them. Why? After such a bad spell, would you have expected the opposite?
I don't hear these people any more except in my dreams. But i am unsure if i believe in them. At times i get scared and i do believe what they have said in the past. Honestly there are signs that this is just ocd but because ive heard voices i think it is worse than that. What do you think? I'm just looking for advice.
Please help me. Thank you.
| Faye Lang, RN, MSW
- Mon Aug 23, 2010 3:27 pm
What a distressing situation for you. Your childhood experiences have had some long term effects, particularly in your chronic anxiety and what sounds like self-blame and guilt. Your experiences do not reflect being "stupid" at all; rather, they sound like someone who has felt unsafe, insecure, lonely and impressionable. The situation that you describe is not just a problem for you, but concerns your whole family. Some of what you describe could be a developing thought disorder, but to determine that, you would need to see a psychologist or psychiatrist for a detailed interview about your experiences and feelings. Some people do use focus on "pretend" people in order to cope with the unhappiness in their lives. I believe that talking with a therapist would benefit you, through sorting out your feelings, addressing your feelings of guilt, and helping you manage your anxiety. If there is a thought disorder, you are functioning adequately, so it would be very treatable and manageable.
Anxiety conditions can be very difficult and can affect our lives much more than we might expect. Anxiety can influence how we think, and can make things seem unreal or more important than they really are. It can make us more impressionable and fearful, and make it difficult to sort out what can be real, as with certain movies that deal with certain concepts like in the Matrix. It would be good to avoid that type of movie until you feel more secure. Your doctor would be a good place to start; talk with him or her about what you have told us in this forum, and consider asking for a referral to a counselor or therapist.
I wish you good luck, and if you'd like, let me know how you are doing.
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