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- Fri Aug 12, 2005 10:07 am
hi u can call me galaxy
i am from India and i am 18 yr old girl. i am studyin computer science first yr graduation, but i would have loved to study
psychology but i had to choose computers.
well i have been having problems since around 4 to 5 yrs and i think they are increasing.none of my family members
know about my problem cause i have never told.i have had psychological help only 2 or 3 sessions, but i did not find
it of much help, and as i had not the support of my family and i had not told anyone i did not carry it out further,also
i have tried to tell my friends not too detail but just in general but they still don't seem to understand.
i don't have any best friends i had a boyfriend but he broke up with me and we r not even friends now(we went out for a yr),
and tat has added to my sadness too.
even though i tell my friends about my problem they cannt help me, and now i feel tat i should not have told any1 bc, it has
not helped but made me more weak. till now which ever friends i have had by some or another reason i have not been able
to keep in contact with them, its like i am always left alone.
my dad is in politics and my mom is a house wife and i have a 3yr old bro.i have had
an imaginary friend called jack since 6 to 7 yrs and i believe he loves me
and i too love him a lot and i fantasise about him while masturbating.i have been masturbating since childhood
and the guilt of doing tat has never left me.i feel very secure and happy with jack, i feel tat i am alive only bc of
him, and i talk with him and i feel he brings out the best in me. sometimes i know tat he is not real but i feel tat
he can be real, people belive in god even when they cant see him so i feel even jack can be real and i talk with him
and he is the only one who brings happiness to me.
my family is quite rich and i have never had any problem with money,and our family name is also famous in our
city but my mom is not very social and tat is why we r not much in contact with other relatives and tat is good bc they r not good people,
our family tat is my dads side family is famous for being notorious.i hate my dad cause he has never been there for me and also because
he does not treat my mother right.i have seen him hit my mother and i know tat they don't love each other either and they r married only bc
in our country divorce is not a very good thing and is looked down upon. he never has time
for my brother.he is dominating and not a good person by nature.i always feel tat he
might harm me(but he has never till now) and i have also had many dreams of him harming me sexually.i feel
like hitting or harming him,and killing him. now a days i do not like my mother either cause she has not been there for me while i have
cried so many times also she is
always brooding and always blaming others and also she sometimes treats me very meanly(the age diffeence between my mom and me is only 19yrs). my mom had psycatric help
bc she was unwell around 7-8 yrs back and i feel she has changed since then.
sometimes i get irritated with my brother because sometimes he reflects some of the qualities of
my mom and dad (which i hate) but i do love my brother.
sometimes i feel tat i do not belong to this world or i feel tat who am i and i get scared after realizing tat for
a moment.in the day i am alright but at night i get scared a lot, i feel tat sometimes the way i think changes at
night and i am more vulnerable,
almost everyday i feel wat is the point of living, i try and think of so many ways to make my life better,
each day i have to try to be happy try so hard to find something to look forward to, i don't like anything much,
i watch tv a lot but i get bored, i am not allowed to go out much bc my parents are very strict just like other
indian parents(i am not allowed to have a bf but still i had), and when i get really depressed
i feel tat i should be dead. since 3 yrs my acadamic performance has also come down,and this yr i failed for the yr otherwise
i am quite good in studies not tat bad. i have tried smoking also.
i am having hard time concentrating and i tend to forget things easily. i am always thinking and thinkin about my family and friends,
jack, the world the universe and i start feeling heavy in my head as if it is going to burst. i try not
to think of anything but i can not control.i feel sad almost everyday but i try to keep my self happy.i am just so tiered, so very tiered of all of the things, i try so hard to cope up with things.i feel like just running away
but offcourse i don't have much money or i would have run away.i also feel guilty at the end of each
day tat i have not given enough time for my pet,mother, brother or i might have been rude to some one and also i am
losing faith in
god infact i do not even know if he exits.i am very nice to everyone and still i am so unhappy.i write poems
and i feel i think of some extraordinary things which i am proud of, and i am very creative and i know i am very different from others but
i am feeling so trapped and confused
please please help me. i have tried everything i could but its just not helpin.
- Sat Aug 27, 2005 3:07 pm
Dear gallaxy, I understand some of the feelings that you go through. Iam a 20 year old female who is in medical school and has a future. Yet I seam to forget that from time to time as you do. We all have a path to lead in life and that path may not show itself or its purpose until a while later. I really think that talking with your parents and sharing these emotions that you described would help ease some stress from your life. Every one goes through mental changes in their lives but god will never give you a cross heavier than you can bare. Also, have you been on any antidepressants? I was but they didnt seam to work and only made me worse but thats a different story! lol :) Well if you need some one to talk to just post another paragraph or email me.
Hope all goes well for you
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