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Date of last update: 10/16/2017.

Forum Name: Male Sexual Disorders

Question: Masterbation to porn instead of having sex

 babydoll78 - Sat Dec 27, 2008 4:52 am

My problem is my husband has type 1 diabetes and has a hard time getting and keeping an erection. We have been married for 10 years and he is 49 years old. He has tried Viagra, and Levetra and they do not work. He gets semi-hard at times but not enough for sex. The last couple of years he has been watching porn and masterbating instead of attempting sex with me. He does it when I am not around or in the shower, so I do not know about it. This last time I caught him and when I asked him about it he said because he wasn't hard enough for sex, but needed a release. The problem is when he does this I do not get sex for several weeks. I don't know what to do. He is satisfying himself, but not me. What do I do?

 Debbie Miller, RN - Sat Dec 27, 2008 11:28 am

User avatar Hello,
These are serious relationship issues that may require a marriage therapist to resolve. If your husband is not considering your needs or assuming that his erection problems mean he has no responsibility there, we are dealing with some serious concerns and selfishness issues. This can eventually doom a relationship so should not be taken lightly. There are ways for your husband to express love to you and give you sexual satisfaction even if he is unable to climax through intercourse himself. He needs to learn how to do this and a therapist might be helpful. There are also books available that may help him to learn alternative techniques.

One of the problems with porn use is that many men (note I did not say ALL) become addicted to this "fantasy" life that aggravates their real sex problems. I would encourage him to get help for a possible porn addiction while working on the problems in your relationship. This type of "release" is so self-focused and self-aborbed - all about how HE feels - that it robs you and keeps him from being compassionate toward you. He is focused on himself and giving no thought or attention to your needs. This is a problem that must be addressed.

Best wishes.
 dilbert2k1 - Tue May 12, 2009 11:37 pm

As a male who just confessed to his wife about a porn addiction, I understand where your husband is. The RN above covered all the major points. As I was, your husband is being selfish (but may not fully realize/accept it) and is probably worried that if he stops its going to be the end of the world.

Being clean for 2 months I can say its possible but not easy. The first week I couldn't look at a female or TV because my mind would go nuts. My wife was very helpful in two ways. She showed me how much it hurt her and was very honest with me about her anger. She also said that she would help me work through it. If she had just said it was OK, I would probably keep on doing it. If she had totally condemned me I would have gotten angry and said it wasn't worth giving up. Intentional or not, she hit the right balance of holding me accountable and supporting me.

She has also been more proactive with sex lately. Being the initiator more then she had been in the past. I think this was a big step seeing how hurt she was. I've also tried to fulfill her needs (massages etc) first. The 30 minute of massaging / foreplay has made sex a 100 times better.

I hope this helps, feel free to follow up with any questions.

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