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Date of last update: 10/16/2017.

Forum Name: Female Sexual Disorders

Question: Having problems losing my virginity..

 browneyes - Sun Apr 05, 2009 8:01 pm

My husband and I have been married for about a year. However, both of us are still virgins. I am worried we always be for the following reasons:

1) I no longer have ANY sex drive. When we kiss now, I don't really get wet, or wet enough. I am indifferent to making out. Before we were married, for about the first year of our relationship, we would make out all the time and it was great. We never had intercourse but did other things because we wanted to wait til marriage (thought it was the right thing to do. in hindsight, maybe not because I was horny back then)

2) Any attempts at sexual intercourse have been incredibly painful. He even tried to use his finger, and even that hurt. I once went to a gyno to have a pap smear and that hurt like crazy.. i was practically in tears and the gyno barked at me to stop clenching my muscles (involuntary) . So maybe my vagina is too small, I don't know.

3) His penis is crooked. Does this pose a problem in having intercourse? He has problems sticking it in..

I suppose you might recommend visiting a doctor, and honestly I have no desire to explain this to someone in person. What would you say to me if I came to your office?? And what kind of doctor do I visit? What are things a doctor would recommend?? Is there any hope or should I tell my husband that he will have to continue to suffer in a sexless marriage?
 Debbie Miller, RN - Sat Apr 25, 2009 10:55 pm

User avatar Hello,
I'm sure you are very discouraged but chances are you can turn this around. I don't think it was a mistake to wait for intercourse and suspect your lack of interest now may be related to the frustration at not being able to have sex comfortably.

You should start with a visit to a gynecologist. If you can find one that specializes in sexual function problems, that would be great but they are all trained in sex issues to some degree and should be able to help. First the doctor will want to check for physical causes, including hormonal function. Some women have a partially intact hymen that needs to be surgically repaired. There are also some gentle stretching exercises that can help but this should happen under the direction of a specialist.

One possible problem that can cause entry pain is vaginismus, where the vaginal muscles contract involuntarily, making penetration extremely painful or impossible. Sometimes the body tries to protect itself from pain by "closing off" the vagina, especially after you have had negative experiences.

Once the doctor diagnoses or rules out physical problems, it will be clear what to do from there. Sometimes a qualified, licensed sex therapist can help. Most of the time there is a physical cause but sometimes it can be psychological. The mind is very complex and tied closely to the rest of the body's functioning. You should not have to resort to a sexless marriage.

Good luck.

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