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Date of last update: 10/16/2017.

Forum Name: Female Sexual Disorders

Question: Lack of sex drive and pleasure


 Zonda - Sat Feb 12, 2005 3:06 pm

i'm 18 and I've been dating my boyfriend for over a year now and for awhile now i've had barely no sex drive at all, also things that he does to try to stimulate me do nothing for me, sometimes i wont even become 'wet' when he tries to enter, which causes some pain. i also cant even orgasm. its strange, i'm too young for this to be happening...any ideas/advice??
sorry to be graphic
 Kathy C, RN - Sun Feb 13, 2005 1:28 am

Hi Zonda,
I remember being your age and feeling the same way. Since I have matured I know now that it was inexperience on my partners side and to be honest he just did not do it for me. I thougt it was me and that i should feel certain things but there was no chemistry. You could perhaps read or watch some videos to see if there are some "techniques" that may work. Are you able to bring yourself to climax? Do you get excited by certain cituations or personna's. Experiemnt with yourself and find out what does it for you. don't be afraid to explore your fantasies. If you cannot bring yourself to orgasim thru self stimulation then a medical exam may be indicated.
Good luck and have fun!!!!
 Zonda - Sun Feb 13, 2005 5:44 pm

thanks so much for the reply....i'm going to look into it more, like you said, maybe check out some videos/books. thing is, i know there is a lot between us and to be honest hes the best ive been with, he use to turn me on and i use to get pleasure out of sex with him...i could just never climax...im going to look into it more in depth, maybe there is something i can take? but thanks again! i appreciate the reply! :D
 ices30 - Sat Aug 13, 2005 3:34 am

hi i am thirty years old and i have no desire for sex and its hard for me to have an orgasm its been like this after i turned nineteen after i had my first child is there anything i can take please help .ices 30@aol.com thanks.
 Jezebel - Tue Aug 16, 2005 6:34 pm

Hi, I have been taking anti-depressants and ever since I have, I have had no sex drive at all. I cannot get in the mood or even have an orgasim. It is horrible. I want to feel better but I don't want my sex life to suffer through all of this. I have taken prozac, zoloft and am now on effexor and they all do the same. Can you help? Thanks
 Jezebel - Tue Aug 16, 2005 6:35 pm

Jezebel wrote:Hi, I have been taking anti-depressants and ever since I have, I have had no sex drive at all. I cannot get in the mood or even have an orgasm. It is horrible. I want to feel better but I don't want my sex life to suffer through all of this. I have taken prozac, zoloft and am now on effexor and they all do the same. Can you help? Thanks

 nobodysbabygrl87 - Fri Mar 27, 2009 3:21 pm

i am 22 yrs old female and i have been sexually active since i was 16. i am prescibe meds for other things (depression, anxiety, adhd, sleeping problems) (but i don't take them) i have never a day in my life had an orgasm, people say oh you been with bad partners they don't know what they are doing, well i cant make myself orgasm either. i cant get turned on at the fact of sex think about it, but wheni actually go to have sex it goes away i have no interest in it. my boyfriend gets kinda annoyed due to this, i have on top of losing interest in sex lost interest in anything that cant lead to it such as oral sex, making out, cuddling, i get annoyed even being touched! can you help me with an answer. i have spoken to doctors and friends and family all say oh do this that always works, well not for me. please help me out even my doctors arent sure what i should do, ive tried everything.

thank you
nobodysbabygrl87
 Debbie Miller, RN - Mon Mar 30, 2009 10:16 am

User avatar Hello,
At the risk of sounding uncaring, my initial reaction is give yourself time. At 22 many people are just beginning to reach a sexual maturity and developing a sexual relationship. Libido is not a given and many women report this as a frustration because they want to be like others (usually they think "others" means everyone else). In truth, if you read about human sexuality beyond the sensational stuff that touts all women have multiple orgasms and it's all about technique, you will learn that this is extremely common. You will also learn that a woman's sexual prime is usually at age 30 or beyond; while men hit theirs in their early 20s. Unfair? Maybe, but that's the way it is. It is not all mechanical and a meaningful relationship, trust and love can do a lot to help a woman to learn to find pleasure in sex.

I'll be honest - some women never do really enjoy it. Researchers have been searching for years for a medication or treatment that will increase a woman's libido. They know that the manufacturer of a woman's "Viagra" will become rich overnight because of the widespread desire for such a medication.

I believe that women more often than men, though not exclusively, require more in the area of commitment, emotional attachment and trust in order to enjoy the natural physical extension of the love relationship. We want to be more like men this way - able to just jump into it with reckless abandon and enjoy the physical side whether or not the rest is there, but it just isn't typical.

Your other physical conditions, for which you have been prescribed medication, could also affect your feelings of well-being here as well. Make sure you are taking care of your complete health; not just focusing on your sexual pleasure.

Patience is the key here so I would work harder to focus on the other person, not try too hard to achieve orgasm yourself and chances are in time, things will evolve in a more positive way for you. Like many other things in life, pleasure can come when you least expect it and when you aren't really trying. Working too hard for the big "O" can destroy the other parts of intimacy - closeness, caring, giving and showing love.

Best wishes.
 Xuxu - Sun Apr 05, 2009 3:25 pm

Hi I'm 19 years old currently in china with my gf who's 24 years old, I'm Chinese American and she's Chinese and she seems to have a problem with orgasm by penetration. She can achieve it through masturbation and I can also help her achieve it through using hands. I'm very in love with her but a bit frustrated, I've read up on quite a lot since I first started at 16, she's my 9th gf, and never had any problems with previous girlfriends ages 16-28, I'm curious is it because of something that's effecting her emotionally because of culture? or perhaps i need to wait longer? I've been with her for 8 months now, and she told me before she was never been able to achieve it before. What steps could I take to help her along? I know its something that she has to experience and feel out, but she's able to achieve it through all other methods easily so I'm a bit confused.

There's one thing that she told me before that her the vagina tube is opposite of normal girls and its a bit rare so childbirth might be a bit hard on her, but i don't think it should effect this.
 Debbie Miller, RN - Tue Apr 07, 2009 10:18 am

User avatar Hello,
Many women have difficulty achieving orgasm with penile thrusting. Sometimes this is something that improves in time and women are known to reach their sexual prime after age 30; whereas men achieve theirs in their early 20s. Some may never be able to get the right stimulation through basic sexual intercourse. If you are able to please her through clitoral stimulation using your hand, this is an important part of lovemaking. It has more to do with the individual, her anatomy, her emotions and desires but orgasm is not as automatic with women as it is with men. Time often helps but if it doesn't she should be comfortable with who she is to enjoy sex in the way it works best for her, with your complete support. This is not something that can be forced but it does work a bit differently for women than for men.

Make sure she has plenty of lubrication (the kind you add from a bottle in addition to her own natural lubricant). Take plenty of time with caressing and foreplay without focusing exclusively on the big "O" so things progress naturally. Be patient but don't determine success in a relationship by her ability to achieve an orgasm as easily as you do. This is VERY normal and VERY common.

Good luck.
 Sexyitalian23 - Wed May 13, 2009 12:04 pm

hi i'm a 23yr old female..and i've been in a relationship with the man of my dreams for 3 yrs but there is a problem??I can't have an orgasm! its startin to tear up my relationship...thats all my fiance wants..he wants to be able to set me off but for some reason i just can't! i'm so worried that something is wrong with me but i just don't know! i've been raped 3 times in my life and just went throught something that i don't wish on any mother...i had a miscarriage in Nov 08 and had a D&C in january so maybe my body is just not rdy or it could take some time...i really could use some help cause i don't want this to ruin my relationship??
 Debbie Miller, RN - Sat May 16, 2009 12:44 am

User avatar Hello,
It is not unusual for it to take years for a woman to be able to orgasm. The problems you have experienced in the past may make it more difficult so it might be good for you to seek counseling, particularly regarding the rapes.

As for decreasing the lubrication - it's really not something you can manipulate and it varies during the month in nature and amount. There are some medications with a side effect of decreasing body fluids, but you really don't want to go that route just for this purpose.

You can experiment with different techniques. It can be especially hard for some women to orgasm with sexual intercourse. In many women, direct clitoral stimulation is necessary. You have not mentioned if you have tried something other than traditional sex with penetration. If you read some books or articles on this subject (both of you together) you will learn how common it is an perhaps get some ideas. It definitely should not ruin your relationship which is hopefully built on mutual respect, love, trust and patience.

This is something time will likely cure if you work at it without concentrating so much on the big "O" that you lose the spontaneity and joy of your experience together. Sometimes it happens when you least expect it, but if you try too hard, you may be too tense for the pleasurable experience.

I wish we had the magic pill women all over the world are hoping will be discovered - the female sex enhancer similar to Viagra for men. They're trying so we may see it yet, but in the meantime, you may want to consult with a therapist, skilled in sensitive couples issues.

Best wishes.
 maaro - Tue Jul 13, 2010 12:04 am

Hi Im a 27 year old male who has been married for 2 years to my wife who is also 27. We met when we were 23 and had an increible sex life for about 2 years. My wife was involved in a car accident 3 years ago and suffered some neck injuries (occipital nueralgia) I think thats how its spelled, anyways she has been on Topamax for this duration and a multitude of other antiinflammatories and narcotics, undergone accupuncture, massage therapy, chirpractic care, and just about anything else you can think of. The problem is that I believe this medication is killing her sex drive to the point that we have not had any sexual relations in 5 months. As I stated earlier it has progressively gotten worse to this point. I am very concerned and try to be comforting and caring about this but anytime I suggest we seek counseling or dr advice she gets extremely sensitive. I love my wife to death and just want to fill this one void in our relationship. I don't know if a dosage adjustment or a supplement to offset side effects is possible but this is starting to put a strain on an otherwise great marriage. She has told me she has even tried to pleasure herself and quit and states she NEVER thinks about sex AT ALL. This is very alarming and I have also looked into treatments to kill my libido so I don't feel the urges anymore. Ive heard of DEPO-Prevera in men with past criminal sexual history and wonder if this is an option for me (though ive never had the criminal history). I am in dire need of help or advice on this issue

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