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Date of last update: 10/16/2017.

Forum Name: Male Sexual Disorders

Question: Loss of Sex Drive

 Married_&_Lonely - Fri Sep 23, 2005 5:11 pm

My husband has lost pretty much all sex drive. We have been together seriously for 3 years and were just married in January of this year. We used to be very intimate and playful but things have slowly gone down hill. I used to be able to arouse him atleast a couple times a week, then it went to once a week and now I cant's even keep track. I thought it was a weight issue so I went on a diet and lost 15 pounds to be back where I was when we got together. That didn't change anything. I can run around my house naked and he doesn't even notice. I go to bed trying to be affectionate and he just rejects me left and right. I have started seeing a therapist myself because this has led to some self esteem, rejection, and self security issues. Any ideas on what might be happening and how I might be able to get back the man I fell in love with. It's not just sex anymore, we don't do anything.
Please help. :cry:
 Dr. Shank - Fri Sep 23, 2005 10:18 pm

Dear Married_&_Loney:

Your question is about your husband's sex drive, but you also said that it was "not just sex anymore, we don't do anything."

You did not elaborate, but I assume that you meant that you and your husband have become detached. The fact that you are going to a therapist alone makes me concerned that he is no longer involved in the marriage, let alone in sex. If that is the case, the problem is bigger than treating sexual appetite and function. On the other hand, men are usually open to sex, even in a bad relationship. Tthe fact that he ignores you when you are being sexually provocative and actively rejects you when you are sexually aggressive, even though you have returned to the weight you had when he was first attracted to you, strongly suggests that this is not just a problem with the marriage. Paradoxically, your efforts ot arouse him may even threaten him. It is quite possible that your husband's sexual problems are causing him to distance himself from you, in to avoid having to face failure.

You did not say anything about your husband's age or health. Many medications can interfere with sexual appetite and function. Diabetes, atherosclerosis (hardening of the arteries), high blood pressure, tobacco, excessive alcohol use, depression, sleep apnea, testosterone deficiency, and too much of a pituitary hormone called prolactin are common causes of sexual problems. Over what time period did he begin to lose his sexual interest? Did he have difficulty achieving erections, or did he have problems maintaining his erections? Does he awaken with erections? It would be helpful to know whether or not he has had problems with sexual performance, either earlier in your relationship, or in previous relationships. Has he been married before, and, if so, what was his history in that relationship? Your statement that you "used to be able to arouse him" suggests that you have had to take the initiative all along, making me think that he has had a problem for at least as long as you have known him. Is he bothered by his sexual deficiencies, or does he not see "the big deal"? This information would be helpful in targeting evaluation and treatment.

Your message suggests that your husband is not willing to face the problems with your marriage. Would he be willing to see a physician? If so, it would be helpful foir you to go with him. Men who lose their sexual appetites seldom perceive that as a problem, but they will often accept the idea of seeing a physician to deal with their partner's concerns ("It's for her, not for me!")

The first specialty that most patients and physicians think of for male sexual health is urology. Urologists are primarily trained as surgeons, but some of them do have an active interest in sexual function. Most endocrinologists are very familiar dealing with sexual problems. Even if it appears that the sexual issues may be caused by other problems, endocrine causes of sexual problems often contribute. Endocrinologists are the best qualified to diagnose and treat diabetes, high blood pressure, and hormonal abnormalities. Since endocrinologists are acustomed to looking at the body as a whole and in dealing with complex problems, most of us are also very thorough. An endocrinologist would be a good starting point for identifying the cause of your husband's sexual dysfunction and coordinating his evaluation and therapy.

I am sure that your therapist has already pointed it out to you, but your husband is the one with the problem. Blaming yourself for his shortcomings will do neither of you any good.

I hope that this helps you get your man back, better than ever.

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