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Date of last update: 8/24/2017.

Forum Name: Psychiatric Topics

Question: mom says some weird things

 bambino - Sun Dec 04, 2005 12:44 pm

I don't know what to make of this. somehow i began to have some bad memories. When I was very young, like a toddler, I had two sisters who were slightly older than me. My mom used to tell me how I sometimes wanted to wear what they wore, too. Now, this doesn't bother me because at that age no one knows what gender is, and having only sisters I naturally wanted to feel included. What got me mad, was how my mom thought it was cute and didn't try to stop me. She doesn't tell me that story any more because I got mad about it. I remember also that she told me how when I was born she cried when she found out I was a boy, you can imagine how this made me feel. Then, in ninth grade, my friends and I had to do a video of romeo and juliet. Wanting to be the funny guy, I was juliet. It came out funny as I wanted, but when my mom found out months later about the video she wanted to see it because she said i probably looked cute. i was furious because that seemed so degrading and insulting to me, my intent was to be funny not cute, and it really distressed my that she found it that way. my last memory, is one day I was in walmart with her and we were walking past the girl section, i must have been 15, and as we passed by a pink tootoo she said, "you'd look so cute in that." i didn't know what to do, i think i got mad at her but I can't remember exactly what I did. when i think back on that I wish I had smacked her right there, but I'd never hurt my mom. now, these are pretty much the only memories I have of this sort. my mom has never forced me to do anything, and generally is good about respecting that I'm a guy, but these memories still haunt me, and I feel sick inside. I feel like I need to say something or do something, but i'll look insane bringing it up, and I don't want my parents to think i am concerned about my manliness or something. but, i sit around and wonder, "how could she say those things to me?"

when I was looking up on the internet if anyone felt the way i did, i found this horrible pulp fiction story about this woman whose husband left her, and so she decided to turn her son into a girl by forcing him to wear dresses, and make up and so on. it got me soooo mad, and i wonder whether i should be mad at my mother. is she out of the ordinary. i guess i wish i had a brother or someone to relate to, because maybe its nothing and maybe lots of moms are that way. like i said earlier, for the most part she's fine, its just those few times that distress me. is there something wrong with my mom? is there something wrong with me?
 mournlight - Mon Dec 05, 2005 2:52 am

Hi, Bambino:
Feeling insecure about sexuality, masculinity and feminity is normal for both male and female, especially during teenage years. It is all so confusing. I don't know whether you have a communicative relationship with your mom, but resolving this with her might be as simple as saying, "Mom, I feel insecure about my appearance when you make statements about me being cute in a dress - can we talk about this?"
It would be a very hard thing for you to say, but if you do not tell her how you feel, then to be fair you should assume she doesn't know how you feel. She may simply have trouble relating to men because she's around so many women.
Be careful not to get hung up on the word "cute." Her usage of "cute" may simply be a sign of her age or of geographical influences. (Here in the South, "cute" and "honey" are staples of conversations with mothers.)
Try to be honest with your mom about your feelings. They are, after all, YOUR feelings and you are allowed to have them!
It actually sounds like you have some unspoken fears or insecurities. If you don't want to talk to your mom about these, pick a respected adult whom you trust and speak with them. Just don't try to keep it all inside - that really doesn't work very well. Take whatever time you need to explore and consider your own feelings - life moves fast enough without rushing it along.
Good luck to you.
(Disclaimer - I'm not in the medical field, I'm a 20 yr police veteran.)
 lilysuzanne - Tue Dec 13, 2005 2:15 am

You don't have a problem with your masculinity, otherwise these statements wouldn't anger you. Sounds like your mom's a B and is just trying to aggravate you.As far as being a child and doing what you did, the only difference between you and other children is that you didn't have a homophobic parent following you around, making you act a certain way. Those kids are trained to be all macho as children, so they are more gay than you because their parents were so worried about it. Plus, that upraising usually backfires and these men have a false sense of masculinity, they are mama's boys,always questioning what mom would want them to do. Understand? Women don't understand how men think, so how can mommy make you a man. You are your own man, all on your own.

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