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Date of last update: 8/24/2017.

Forum Name: Psychiatric Topics

Question: Drawn to sexual violence

 bunny22 - Mon May 25, 2009 5:52 pm

I feel like a freak. I seem to enjoy reading about violent sex, usually rape. I have fantasised about it, I even "acted" it out with an ex partner. I watch films with graphic rape scenes, scour news for new rapes.

I am female, 22 years old.

I am aroused by the strangest things, the more violent, painful, degrading the better.

I have no idea if this is related, but I remember my male baby sitter talking me into sex when I was perhaps 5 or 6 years old. I wanted to watch a film, he told me to lie down on my front so I could still watch it while we had sex. I also remember having sex with 2 other males around the same time. I didn't understand what it was. I had another baby sitter who has since been convicted of child molestation but I don't recall anything happening with him.

I feel like a monster, clearly something is badly wrong inside my head & I have no idea what to do about it. I think about disgusting, sick things quite a bit, but I just want it all to go away. My biggest fear is turning into some sort of predator, although I have no desire to harm anyone other than myself.

By that, I don't mean I'd take my own life. I have cut myself in the past but it didn't do anything for me at all.

I feel so alone, but I'm thankful for it. If anyone knew how warped I really am, well, I don't even want to think about it. Any advice would be appreciated.
 Debra Van Ness RN - Fri Jul 03, 2009 11:32 pm

Please seek pshyciatric help in person. This sounde extremely unhealthy. I do not know any other advice to give you except to see someone for some psychotherapy. I hope you get this figured out and wish you the best.
It would be a shame for you to get hurt, or for you to start hurting others.
Debra Van Ness RN
 Richard2342 - Thu Jul 09, 2009 8:43 am

Hi, I'll say right now I'm not a doctor or anything.

But I kind of have a minor version of what you have -- self-degrading sometimes violent thoughts. Usually I'd think about women shrinking me and doing terrible things, like stepping on me or eating me or sometimes even defecating on me. I know it's easier said than done, but you should actively avoid watching movies and reading things like that are violent. Can't say I'm cured, but it's not a problem anymore, though of course you seem to have it worse. And obviously, do as Debra van Hess said and talk to someone in person.
 Faye Lang, RN, MSW - Wed Jul 15, 2009 1:37 pm

Hello Richard2342,

I will add to Debra's response to you. Persons who were molested while they were children grow up with much self-hate and negative feelings. Developmentally, a child believes the world revolves around them and that they therefore are responsible for what happens to them. This lasts until about the age of 10. Being attracted to sexual violence is a reflection of your deep anger, anxiety and hurt at what happened to you. If it's available, please seek treatment with someone who has experience in such disorders. If there is an "AMAC" (Adults Molested As Children) group anywhere within your range or online, please join. You may be surprised at how many other people are like you. There is definitely hope. Recovery takes time and isn't easy, but you sound ready and willing. Those are very important attributes.

Good luck to you.

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