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Date of last update: 8/24/2017.

Forum Name: Psychiatric Topics

Question: Yucky past.

 SouthernGal87 - Sat Dec 05, 2009 4:17 am

Because of a really hard life when I was younger I have created what I believe to be an incredible perspective on the world and have learned to make the best out of everything. There are a few issues that regardless of this great mind set I haven't been able to conquer, the most prominent being my damage from being sexually abused. Since it was the way I was introduced to sex, I learned about it the wrong way, and don't know how to really enjoy anything sexual. Another key factor in thinking about this is that I have grown up with a birthmark on the right side of my face and was teased maliciously and was depressed for a long time(not anymore!).. but because of it it also created an inner barrier that makes the entire situation even more difficult to deal with, because of security issues, and not feeling that the person I'm with wants me for more than sex. But feeling that they only want me for sex makes no sense, because I'm in a happy, committed, serious relationship with a guy any girl would be thrilled to have! Because I couldn't trust this guys intentions with me more, I've realized that this problem is alot deeper than just being SURE he's not using me. It's ruined a lot of previous relationships and now I am finally in one that I know I will regret forever if I lose. He doesn't pressure me into sex, but I also know that a man isn't going to be able to feed his sexual appetite with only having sex 2-5 times a month. Nor do I thin it's fair for him to not be able to enjoy sex because of my issues. So I was wondering if there were any key ideas or general steps or guidelines to follow to keep my mind from hitting fight/flight mode everytime my mind thinks about sex, unless I have been in control of the entire situation (for example, I have to engage and initiate everything to really feel comfortable). The VERY rare times that I get past these problems enough to engage in sex, I don't enjoy it or allow myself to feel anything. I put a mental block on and my mind goes anywhere but there. HELP:(
 axis.boldaslove - Tue Dec 08, 2009 6:26 pm

Hi. I also have had a past similar to yours. I was sexually molested at ages 4-5, and 13. I also feel I cannot trust my partner and cannot sexually satisfy myself or him, even though I am attracted to him. I was brutally bullied when I was in 8th grade by seniors for being sexually active. My mind goes in and out of suicidal thoughts, and I am no longer the happy person I was. For years after the abuse, I was still very happy and outgoing, mostly because I have a tendency to forgive so that I can push pain away. Although I feel I've had depression episodes for years, the downfall started to take place about a year and a half ago when I realized what had taken place in my life. I have no close friends anymore, avoid social gatherings, have lost interest in things I thrived in like sports and music, cry quite often, have an absolute phobia of death, and have become mostly a different person. I have had anxiety attacks, but not in the last year.
Although, I have been feeling a little better and have taken a little better care of myself, which I quit when this first happened, I still don't enjoy being tortured by my thoughts and paranoia. It was very hard not only for me, but for my family, coaches and friends. I am constantly worried about who i can trust, why people hurt and betray me, and when the next time it happens will be. I always ponder my past, and how I have lost all this time, hiding. It seems my thoughts and intentions are very complex, and exhausting. At moments I can be very upset, then I can become happy. I refuse to tell anyone else this because I think alot of my problems pair up with shame. If you can offer any help, whatever it may be, please do. I don't want to live in this hell anymore.
 Faye Lang, RN, MSW - Wed Dec 30, 2009 6:57 pm

Hello axis.boldaslove,

The most difficult thing about having been sexually abused is to recognize and believe that it was not your fault. Period. The shame you feel does not belong to you; it belongs to the perpetrator. That's much easier said than done, of course, since it has tainted your world view for so long. It would really be helpful for you to see a psychologist or psychiatrist for treatment, including group therapy if it is available. The long term goal is to relearn self-perception, from "deserving" abuse or being "dirty" as a result of abuse, to accepting yourself as a normal sexual being who is deserving of a committed and pleasurable sexual relationship with your partner. Depression is common in such situations, so some medications may help as you work through the issues. Please see the psychologist soon.

Good luck to you.

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