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Date of last update: 8/24/2017.
Forum Name: Psychiatric Topics
|sirjnj - Sun Aug 15, 2010 5:44 pm||
My life does not reflect my history. That is unless I let you see past the facade.
I went from a typical middle class life up until the age of 6 when my world ended. My father passed away when I just turned 6 years old. He was dying over the previous year. Could not even climb the stairs. We were a family of two sons two daughters plus myself. It was a blended family, one son and daughter each. The day of the funeral his son and daughter left never to bee seen again. all of my brothers and sisters were significantly older then I. I was a late in life baby. Once he died we plunged into poverty. When I was 7 yo I do not remember most of it other then I started harming myself, The purpose of the behaviour I clearly remember was to punish myself. I have come to believe the behavior was compulsive reenactment of being raped and sodomized. This behavior has continued on and off mostly during moments of high stress. Guilt and Shame over been an overwhelming part of me from that time in my life. During this same time my sister married and left. My brother too moved out leaving just mom and I. Mom had a previous failed marriage and would easily be considered neglectful based on the stories my brother and sister have told me. The two of them continue to be in my life. Mom and I moved away about 100 miles from any extended family and I became the man of the house as she told me on many occasions. She would say we have 4 walls and no one can tell us what to do. Mom was depressed and years later diagnosed to have a hypothyroid condition. I remember her crying a lot and staying in bed. When she was not she was overwhelmingly in my life. Aggressive momma bear is the best way I can put it. I did have a rule to live by. I was not alloyed to be angry as I was told I love you why are you trying to hurt me by my mom. I was shy, fearful and isolated a lot. bullied at school but still hung around the same people because they were not always like that. At 13 I was again sexually abused but this time was also intimidated / threatened to perform reciprocally. That night started with me beging given my first bear. I knew this person. I thought this person was my friend. This went on for some period of time which I cannot remember most of since from the time it started and ended 6 months later. I do no know but have been trying to look at information pinpointing the time. All I do know was it was winter when it started and summer when it ended . I can remember the first time. A time when it was discovered but shamed because it was perceived as boys exploring. Who would believe me anyway. They called me names. and the last time. Compulsive sexual behavior started then and also continues today. I need to add more but am on my way to a SA meeting. I have a push pull clinging with my current therapist, Frequent suicidal idealization, I isolate at home but excel at work. I always become a manager where ever I work. I am a people pleaser. For a few days a month my anxiety spikes and I fire the therapist only to crawl back apologizing a few days later. I have tracked my mood for over a year and this is a monthly cycle for me. I am a man so I cannot blame this cycle on a menstrual cycle. I have to go. No one else gets to see this side of me except my one friend and my therapist. Everyone else gets a the quite / friendly facade.
|Faye Lang, RN, MSW - Wed Aug 18, 2010 2:55 am||
What is your age? Persons who were molested in childhood manage to bury their emotions, such as hurt, rage, depression, anxiety, and physical symptoms such as chronic nausea, vomiting, and fatigue, to a great degree until they are in their late twenties to thirties. It then becomes too much to suppress, and they become depressed, anxious, and often physically ill. The rage is directed at the people who either perpetrated the molestation and/or the adults who failed to protect the person who was, after all, a child. Then the person feels extreme guilt at feeling such rage toward a loved one, and it is a continuous cycle. The push-away, pull-back behavior that you described is quite common, and often reflects how the parent behaved, as you describe in the "mother bear", who expected the child to take care of the parent and provided no recognition of the child's emotional needs. A "people pleaser" reaction is very consistent with adults who were molested in childhood; it is a coping style in striving for their own safety and hoping to avoid "punishment". The most difficult thing for such a person to accept is that the molestation was not their fault or responsibility, regardless of whether it resulted in sexual promiscuity later in life.
It's good that you are seeing a therapist, and that you are opening up to others, as you did with this forum. Please let me know if we can help with further information.
I wish you the very best.
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