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Date of last update: 8/24/2017.

Forum Name: Psychiatric Topics

Question: what is wrong with me?

 bloodyangel - Tue Aug 23, 2005 11:27 pm

Hello......My name is Amanda and I am 17.
For a long time I been feeling depressed. I never really feel happy about anything. I have no friends. I have a boyfriend, but with my feelings it seems to be destroying that relationship. Figured it would. I don't expect anything to go right for me. Ever snice I was 12 I had strange thoughts. Like I feel someone is always watching me reading my mind. I take a shower and all that in the dark because I feel always someone is watching me I have lots of thoughts of killing. I wont go in to detail because its very graphic. Sometimes I think of it as revenge other times I think of it for fun like it is a game to me. I even thought of killing my parents and at times I really felt I could. The reason why I didint is because I don't want to go to jail.
Alot of times I look at pictures of real people that are murdered and commited suicide. I look at the most disturbibg pictures I can find and it doesint bother me. Last year my grandma and grandpa died. I knew them all my life spent alot of time with them when they died i didint cry, It didint bother me at all. I feel dead I don't feel like Im living in reality. Lately I been crying everyday most of the day for what reason I don't know. I....always think of suicide. I cut myself. When think of suicide I think of diffrient ways to kill myself. I sit in my room and cry holding a butcher kinfe. I have knives hidden all over in my room. I been drunk a few times. I was drunk but i still felt depressed I don't expect anything in life. I don't believe in a future. I don't even know why I am still alive. I don't see the point in living at all. Living for me is a waste of time. I feel afraid of people. i really don't trust them. I feel they will all betray me. I don't like being around people very much. I really don't like them touching me. I have a hard time trusting my boyfriend. I only know him over the internet. I feel screwed. I hate myself. I don't like how I look. I think I am worthless scum. sooooooooo who thinks I should stop wasteing my time by liveing and just kill myself?
 Gracie - Tue Aug 23, 2005 11:56 pm

I would advise you to go to the ER right away and get admitted to a psychiatric ward for evaluation.
 sister_gold2000 - Fri Sep 09, 2005 3:02 pm

I shake all the time, sweat and freeze at same time. Feel like I can't calm down and it seems more physical then mental but I don't know. Can't seem to think straight or even function in every day to day chores. Throw up, diahrea, pass out. I have been to several doctors no one seems to know what is causing it. I have 2 children that need me to be normal. Major back and neck pain for 9 year's or longer. Maybe that has the most to do with it I don't know. Need a little advice or guidance in correct direction[/b]
 PakMan1618 - Tue Sep 20, 2005 9:34 pm

bloodyangel(clever name): i think you have to take a vacation or go on a journey. You have to find what is important to you, whether that is being what people want you to be, or being your own doctor and pursuing a career in that. No matter what just don't waste your life like that. Force yourself to pursue in different activities not because you like it or don't like it. do it for the self discovery. Im sure you will find a path that you have not seen before.
 DeLWolcott - Tue Sep 20, 2005 9:48 pm

Angel, I agree with gracie. You need to get to an emergency room for safety and evaluation. You are worth too much as a person to be having these feelings!

sister_gold, you also could benefit from the services of a psychologist and/or psychiatrist. It is very difficult handling the stress of being a mom, and it sounds as if your stress has manifested in the muscles of your back. IBS could be a possibility. Hypoglycemia. You should seek medical help for relief of the physical symptoms and outside help with your children, even if it is only for 30 minutes a day. I'm a mom of 3 myself, ages 11, 10 and 6. Heaven knows that my children deserve more than they get from me, but I can only do that when I have time to recharge and see what there is to appreciate during these hard times.

I wish you both the best! This world may be difficult for both of you at the moment, but this world would sorely miss your contributions. You both deserve help and understanding, but it has to start with you. Good luck!

Angel, I am very serious with my suggestion to go the ER. It is for your safety and well-being!
 Shana Johnson, CNA - Mon Oct 03, 2005 7:30 am

User avatar bloody_angel...I am hoping you can update me and let me know that you are doing ok.
Did you go to the emergency room, or find some one to help you?

Please let me know how things are going, there are a lot of people who care about you!

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